A beautiful and moving piece. Thank you. I admire your courage in being vulnerable enough to write and share it.
The younger guys have no idea what it meant to live through the mid and late 80s here. You captured that so well. I remember being in the Armory one night in the spring of 1985 and a friend asking me if I had heard about the new gay cancer. I will never forget my response, "Gay cancer? That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. How does a cancer cell know if you are gay or not?" Then friends started dying. Beautiful, sweet, wonderful men whom I hoped to share my life with.
No one who wasn't there can understand the hopelessness and helplessness. Maybe this was God's punishment? What else could account for the devastation? We didn't mean to be bad or wrong or terrible or evil. But why else would God be taking these sweet men whose lives were just beginning?
I will have the fortune on Monday, Oct 3rd, that too many of my friends did not - I will celebrate my 55th birthday. My gratitude for my health and longevity are often haunted by the ghost of "Why not me?" Survivors' guilt?
The shame of it is the gross lack of compassion we as gay men show to one another. We isolate into our cliques defined by age, race, body type, and refuse to make eye contact with anyone we don't want to sleep with. Isn't life tough enough with the attitude?
Thanks for a brave and brilliant piece.
It has been my experience that sex and feelings of emotional intimacy go hand-in-hand for women. In the daily living of life and juggling job, kids, chores, etc., it is very easy for the emotional intimacy to slip away. I define emotional intimacy as emotional closeness, tenderness, vulnerability and trust. If she won't talk about it, it sounds like she isn't willing to go to that level of emotional vulnerability that is part of intimacy.
Have you had any recent "date nights" where the two of you just go out and have fun an reconnect with each other and with what you like about one another? How long has it been since you got away together to have fun for a few days?
It is very easy to let duties and obligations get in the way and all relationships need to be taken care of and nurtured and grown. Even after 14 years, your relationship needs attention rather than having it just being taken for granted as a constant in each of your lives. It may not be an easy or a quick fix but it can be fixed and the fix will come through making the emotional relationship between you a priority. The sex will come back once the connection is re-established.
As a middle-aged gay man I can tell you that there are a lot of men out there who won't make the first move as they/we are all terrified of rejection and/or being hurt. Instead of giving into fear look at it this way - they can cook you but they can't eat you, so if you express interest in someone and it is not reciprocated, the sun will still come up in your life tomorrow.
Also, there was a wonderful book that came out years ago called, "I'm Looking for Mr. Right but I'll Settle for Mr. Right Away." The point of the book, one I wish I had learned when I was your age, is to become Mr. Right instead of looking for Mr. Right. Instead of waiting to follow your interests and passions until you find love, follow your interests and passions now. You never know who you will meet along the way and in the process, will become the kind of interesting and attractive person you'd like to be with.
Make friends, have fun and live life with all the gusto you can muster. That doesn't mean it will always be easy, that you'll never ever have a lonely moment nor meet some real tools along the way but the joy and fun you will have will far outweigh anything else and make your life the adventure it should be.
Atlanta City Guide
Powered by Foundation
Creative Loafing Atlanta
Powered by Foundation