She also said, "Don't forget to say that Plan B Productions -- owned by Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston -- is interested in the FILM RIGHTS."
I'm figuring this hoopla is why Hollis recently bought a new car; I'm sure you'll hear all about it in her upcoming columns. However, she might not mention the fact that it's a lesbian-blue PT Cruiser. Grant is hoping she's about to launch herself into an alternative lifestyle, and he even placed a rainbow-colored sticker on her back window that says "Family Car" (or some crap). But I predict the car will get repossessed before she figures out that PT Cruisers are the preferred auto transport by four out of five lesbians everywhere.
OK. Now having fulfilled my obligation to my dear friend Hollis by whoring up her upcoming book in the first paragraph, I'll get to my real reason for writing this column, which is this: HOLLIS NEEDS AN INTERVENTION!
Her already-tenuous grasp on reality has slipped a few notches further. In short, she has bought her own cover, and there is a definite gap between her reality and the one the rest of us experience. So I need every one of you to meet me at her house when she returns and remind her where reality is. After all, having friends like Grant Henry and me is one thing, but publicly admitting this and extolling our virtues are quite another matter. Also, Hollis honestly believes Jennifer Anniston will play her in the film version of her (lack of) a life. She tries to con me into doing favors for her by telling me that Brad Pitt will play me. But after careful research, I've confirmed that there is not enough crack in Hollywood to make this happen.
Recently I had a psychic listen in on one of my conversations with Hollis, in which I said, "Help, I have head cancer and accidentally passed it on to the entire human race!" The psychic told me that what Hollis heard was: "What can I do for you?"
So I'm hoping that if every one of you shows up, she may listen to us. I know from experience that she absolutely cannot hear the truth if only one or two people are speaking it to her -- at least not in the present tense, anyway. But just in case I'm wrong and Hollis' book becomes a best seller, and Brad and Jen do buy the film rights, I figure now's a good time to pitch my proposal for a TV series called "The Side of the Road Show." It's a 30-minute variety show exposing the obvious -- conceived, developed and absolved on the side of the road. "The Side of the Road Show" will document the decline of Western civilization, basically acting as a clearinghouse for ideas better left un-thought.
Each show will be divided into certain segments. Segment two will be psychological observations of classic scenes from the "Rocky & Bullwinkle" show -- like the one where Boris Badenov and the Light-Fingered Five Minus One tie Rocky to the fizzing bundle of dynamite. "Last one out of the hole is a dead squirrel!" they yell as they climb up the ladder and out of the hole. (This is a truly classic scene deeply layered with hidden meaning and religious overtones.)
Segment three will be viewer call-in based, with emotional exchanges of esoteric thought (or possibly just more cartoons). Each show will have a unifying theme and be hosted by Hollis, who will try and relate said segments to the theme through verbal smoke and mirrors. Themes of the first 12 shows would include: detecting intelligence; making contact; social intercourse; retribution; Alabama; make physics work for you; the origin of time; why Ralph Nader must die; how to tell if God hates you; how to field strip a Ruger Mini 14 rifle; the do's and don'ts of self-medication; keep moving and avoid eye contact.
With exciting segments like these, we won't need Brad Pitt ...
[Hollis Gillespie intervenes: JESUS GOD, Lary, you big, drooling bucket of underwear fungus! You'd think you could refrain from your normal daily truckload of acid tabs to write this one simple column, but NO! I swear to GOD, just for this I'll never in a MILLION YEARS let Brad Pitt portray you, because in reality, regardless of how you insist I lack a grasp on it, you would be portrayed much better by an undernourished, masturbating spider monkey freshly escaped from a petting zoo -- with psoriasis. And by the way, so what if I bought a car? I need a new car because the last one was too small to fit my posse. And Jennifer Anniston -- now, please. Of course she's perfect to play me. After all, we practically look like twin sisters.]
Hollis Gillespie's commentaries can be heard on NPR's "All Things Considered." To hear the latest, go to Moodswing at atlanta.creativeloafing.com.
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