The Blotter: Animal behavior

On Broad Street in Downtown Atlanta, an officer saw a man “standing on the city sidewalk, holding his penis and urinating.” The cop stopped and wrote the man a ticket for peeing in public. The cop noted that the man “did raise his voice and point his finger at me, telling me I should write tickets to the dog walkers who let their dogs urinate and defecate in public.” The cop continued, “At the time of this citation, no dog walkers were available to observe urinating in public.”

Foul envy

In Downtown Atlanta, a 43-year-old man said his friend wanted to hang out with him but the 43-year-old refused because he had to go to work the following morning. The 43-year-old said his friend took the statement the wrong way and hollered, “You think you are too good because you work in a chicken factory!” The friend reportedly took a swing at the 43-year-old, dislocating his arm. The 43-year-old leaned forward to block the hits and fell, his head striking a car.

Salutation smackdown

At a gas station on Roswell Road, three male co-workers clashed over morning salutations. One co-worker asked, “Are you having a good day or not?” A second co-worker replied, “I’m not having a good day.” A third co-worker rushed up and yelled, “You are always having a bad day!” As he was saying that, the second co-worker jumped out of his chair and punched the third co-worker in the face. The puncher took off before police arrived. No one was arrested.

Dairy dagger

A 38-year-old man said he returned home to his apartment on North Camp Creek Parkway. Someone had tossed a brick through his glass front door. The only crime committed inside his home: Someone poured milk all over his couch. No suspects. The man lives alone. Plus, he said he’s only lived there a few months.

No sex, no sofa

A marital spat broke out at a Newtown Circle home. The husband said his wife became really angry one morning because she didn’t want to have sex with him. So she grabbed a knife from the kitchen and started stabbing the sofa. The husband said he tried to stop her couch-stabbing, and as he grabbed the knife, he cut his hand. They called police. Both the husband and wife blamed each other for his bloody hand and the mangled sofa.

Money talks

After midnight, a maroon Nissan Maxima was idling in a parking lot on Richardson Street in Mechanicsville. A cop walked closer and spotted the driver slumped over the wheel. The officer tapped on a car window to see if the driver was OK and asked the driver to put the car in park. According to the police report, the driver, a 36-year-old Loganville man, lifted up his head and “appeared to be in a dazed and confused state.” The driver “fumbled around, trying to find the gear shift, then reached into his pocket and pulled out a $20 bill, folded it open, and proceeded to have a conversation as if it were a phone.”

The reporting officer asked: What are you doing? The driver said he needed the money to make a call. The driver said he just left a strip club, where he had two beers and he had knee surgery in college. The driver went to jail for suspected DUI.

Flying high

Cops received a call about a drunk lady who was hanging out at a brewery/bar and grill near gate B-9 at Hartsfield Jackson International Airport. Delta representatives said the 23-year-old Minnesota woman was trying to get more drinks, even though she’d been cut off.

The cop asked the “noticeably intoxicated” woman to step out of the bar for a chat. She complied. The woman said she was just released from rehab for heroin abuse, where she had been for two months. Also, the woman said she’d been in and out of rehab since she was 15 years old. The woman was scheduled to fly to Wichita, Kan., but she had already missed two flights that day. Delta reps took the woman to the smoking lounge and said they’d keep an eye on her. Somehow, she managed to dodge them.

About two hours later, the same cop got a call about the same drunk woman. Now she was on a floor near gate C-14, kicking and screaming for everyone to leave her alone. Cops took her to jail for drunk and disorderly.

Birthday mice

On Woodland Avenue, a lesbian couple heard a loud noise coming from their living room around 5:30 a.m. They got up and looked around. The front door was wide open, but nothing was out of order. According to the police report, the couple figured their pet mice “might have made the noise. So they went back to sleep.” (The couple would later rue the mice assumption.)

A few hours later, the couple woke up. It was the younger lesbian’s 38th birthday so they enjoyed a birthday breakfast at home. After breakfast, they noticed a bunch of stuff missing from their apartment, including $500 cash, a laptop computer, a red bicycle, and a black bicycle with pink tape on it, plus car keys to their Volvo and Toyota. When they looked outside they saw that their white Toyota Camry was gone. The Volvo was still there. Police found one bicycle in a nearby front yard.

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.