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Are girls who are into BDSM real-life psychos? 

Dear Sexorcist:

I’ve come to realize I have a thing for dominant women, though I haven’t acted on it. I can’t help but think that women into BDSM or dominance have serious psychological problems and do I really want to go there? I mean, are these women to be avoided at all costs or do normal, sane dominant women exist?

— Skeptical in Suwannee

Dear Skeptical:

So the guys who want to be dominated are sane but the women who want to dominate are not? “Hello, Pot? This is Kettle. You’re black.”

I’d beat you with a cane if I didn’t think you’d get hard. But then again, I should be nicer to a guy who’s just coming out about his sexual desires. Your predicament is remarkably similar to closeted gay guys: horrified at your own feelings and attacking the people who share them. Then, drunk on the feeling of superiority (“I’m not like them”), you’re certain that “they” are morally wrong or psychologically impaired.

Christ, you’re not a submissive; you’re a Republican!

Like closeted gay guys, you’ll convince yourself it’s just a phase and hook up with different women. For gays, it’s about turning straight. For you, about staying vanilla. Just like the gay guy who’ll try to make it work with women (“Honey, why don’t you turn over on your stomach?”), you’ll try to make it work with yours (“Honey, my wrists aren’t going to handcuff themselves to the bedposts.”).

Next comes ritual self-delusion. The gay guy convinces himself that he’s bi; you convince yourself that you’re conventional. Over time, desire (always the design flaw) breaks the chains and you experiment with the real thing. You’ll never go back. And later, much later, you’ll give your sexual proclivities the significance they deserve — right up there with what you had for breakfast.

Now that I’ve laid out the next two years of your life, wouldn’t it be easier to fast-forward to the good parts? Like getting dominated by hot women on a regular basis? Get going by asking yourself questions: What is your deepest, darkest desire? If you could do anything, what would it be? Crawl along like her pet? Play ashtray to her cigarette? How? When?

Fantasize about looking the part, setting the scene and learning, ahem, the ropes. Always start with manageable scenes and, if you’re comfortable, ramp them up. Start safe, play sane and build slowly.

If it’s all agreeable, then off you go to the next level. There’s a new world of hurt out there just waiting for you: whipping, caning, flogging, trampling, hitting, spanking, humiliation and objectification.

Damn. That sounds like an editorial meeting at the Loaf.

Of course, you can always resort to the most conventional application of pain — calling Comcast tech support. Either way, after taking your erotic inventory (a clear picture of your deepest desires in action), it’s time to go on the hunt. Trust me, she’s out there. And for the record, she’s not psychologically imbalanced. Bitchy, maybe; disturbed, no.

Start with the Loaf’s “Creative Lusting” personal ads and work your way to other sites, like BDSMsingles.com/Atlanta, and eros-atlanta.com. Atlanta’s home to lots of BSDM events. The city’s best kink calendar is probably the GeorgiaBDSMlifestyle Yahoo group. There’s also Whippersnappers, a social group that does a monthly meet-up, but they’re a bit age-ist, only allowing the 21-39 set in.

If, after a while, you need a little more heatin’ with the beatin’, check out 1763, a 10,000-square-foot, fully equipped dungeon. It’s the premier event space for people who think a good ass-whipping never hurt anyone. They’ve got a main dungeon area equipped with a St. Andrew's Cross, spanking benches and other must-have accoutrements for the discriminating perv.

Dude, it’s time to pull the “ill” out of vanilla. Come out of the closet. It’s not like you have to sit your parents down and confess, “Mom, Dad ... I need some money to buy a stretching rack.”

Got a burning question, or even a why-is-it-burning question for the Sexorcist? E-mail him at sexorcist@creativeloafing.com.

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