Are you obligated to tell your date about your vasectomy?

Dear Sexorcist,
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Weird question. I have just undergone a vasectomy. Why? Because I’m in my 30s and I really don’t see a wife, kids or the money to support them in the future. Anyway, I’m back out in the dating scene and was wondering what obligation, if any, I have to tell the women I’m dating?
?

-- To Tell or Not

Dear To Tell:

Of course you have an obligation to say something. The question isn’t if but when. Telling her much before the third date is unthinkable. Much past the fourth, unforgivable.

Telling her too early is douchebaggy. She may want kids, but what would make you think she wants them with you? It’s arrogant and presumptuous to tell a woman you’re pumping unleaded on the first few dates. It’s like saying, “You want my kids, don’t you?” to somebody who can’t decide if she wants the shrimp appetizer.

Believe me, at that stage of the relationship the shrimp is more important to her.

Not only do you run the risk of being awarded with an honorary douchebag award, you also set yourself up to be humiliated. I mean, if I were a woman and you told me on the first date, I’d whip out the Anal-Eze desensitizing cream and rub it on your ego.

(Which, in turn, begs the question: What would I be doing with Anal-Eze on a first date? And should I disclose that?)

Even if she doesn’t think you’re arrogant, telling her too early is TMSI (Too Much Sexual Information). What else are you going to tell her on the first date? That you like getting tied up and whipped? That you’ve got herpes but haven’t had an outbreak in two years? Whoa. Dude. Let her finish the shrimp.

And never mind if you’ve had a vasectomy. What if you haven’t had one, but you know for certain that you don’t want kids? Do you tell her that on the first couple of dates, too?

The hazard of early douchebaggery must be weighed against the danger of postponed skullduggery, of course. If you wait too long, TMSI turns into JERK. You need to find the sweet spot between too early and too late. Usually, it’s when you sense there’s real emotional investment going on. Look for three signs:

1) The first time she takes a crap in your bathroom

2) The first time you leave the toilet seat up in hers

3) The first time you send a text message and she finally stops replying, “Who’s this?”

Now, a few words about vasectomies, or as they’re known in the field, “sperm retirement programs.” They’re considered a permanent method of birth control (99.85 percent effectiveness rate). It’s reversible, but good luck if you change your mind. It’s expensive and difficult to do.

Here’s how the snip-snip works. Dr. Butcher clamps, cuts or seals the tube that carries the sperm from the testicles into the urethra, where it mixes with the fluid (semen) released by the prostate and other glands. Remember, sperm is not semen. It joins with semen to create Baby Batter.

The testicles continue to produce sperm, but the body absorbs them. BTW, this also happens to sperm when you don’t ejaculate for a while. You heard of use it or lose it? With sperm, it’s use it or absorb it.

Men have different reasons for getting vasectomies. The best rationale I ever heard came from my friend Steve. When he told me he was thinking of getting a vasectomy, I asked him if he talked it over with his family. “Yeah,” he said. “They’re in favor nine to two.”

Now, back to the disclosure. I know a lot of women are going to disagree with my advice to wait. A quick look at the national forums revealed that a lot of women want to be told ASAP. But is that true of women in Atlanta? Ladies, send me your comments.

Mike “The Sexorcist” Alvear hosts HBO’s “The Sex Inspectors,” blogs at mikealvear.com and teaches monthly blogging workshops with Hollis Gillespie. Got a burning or why-is-it-burning question for the Sexorcist? E-mail him at sexorcist@creativeloafing.com.