Dear Senator Miller:
Ive been stuck in a dead-end job for five years. I work my butt off, but nobody seems to care, and they certainly wont fairly compensate me for work my bosses dont appreciate. Now my sons sick with asthma, but my employer doesnt provide health insurance. What should I do?
Sincerely, Frettin Father
Dear Doolittle Daddy: Maybe you need to think about how you got where you are. You remind me of the turtle I once saw on top of a fence post. But that dog wont hunt. He needs to stay under the porch. And he doesnt need to pretend hes as wide as a tin plate in a sawed-off outhouse. You know, they dont like the way people like me talk in Washington. They dont like us average folk who lobby for cigarette companies. But whenever I was in swaddling clothes, I watched my mama carry stones up from the creek one by one, and she built us a house with her bare hands. If you were half the man my mama was, youd skin that snake and swallow it whole.
Dear SGT. Miller:
Im an Army sergeant stationed outside of Baghdad. I was wounded in a mine explosion two weeks ago lost a leg, an eye and my sense of smell. I was wondering if you had some encouraging words for a loyal American whos beginning to question why were here.
Thanks, Grimacing in the Green Zone
Dear Psyched Out Pansy: Do you live in Midtown Atlanta? Is there a rainbow flag bumper sticker on your car? Do you march in that parade wearing a leather thong once a year? I bet you do. Because you may be a soldier, but youre not a Marine. Whenever I went through Marine training in Paris Island, I didnt whimper and worry and sob like a raccoon with his foot caught in a bear trap. Marine training changed my life. If Id ever gone to combat, I wouldnt whine like you; Id gnaw that foot off with my own teeth and not even think about it. Thats what you ought to do instead of complaining. Id say Semper Fi, but youre not even a Marine, so never mind.
Weve been having trouble getting some legislation through Congress that would shield us from liability of lawsuits by families whove lost their children to cancer because of our products. Could you help us?
Dear Corporate Chief:
You are a great American!
Yer pal, Zell