I'm a hetero woman currently in a physical relationship with the hottest guy I've ever dated. Sex (intercourse) is great, but he is not full-service. He doesn't kiss or give oral sex. Yes, he's hot and he makes me laugh, but I'm not sure if I should try to address the issue or dump him. What should I do?
— Hungry for a Kiss
Yes, of course, absolutely dump him for a problem you haven't brought to his attention. What kind of bullshit prima donna crap is that?
What if you're the problem? What if he doesn't kiss you because your breath is so bad he loses his short-term memory? What if he won't go down on you because the odor is so strong it actually has a texture?
Then you'd have the distinction of being the only woman I know who could say, "I broke up with him because I smell like Friday's leftovers."
Girl, you fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. And that tree's higher than it looks, too. See, I'm not buying that crap about the sex being so great. In all probability he's avoiding the kisses and the down-unders because he doesn't like it, not because of any odors. Bad smells are an easy fix.
Preferences are not.
Which leads us to your sketchy judgment. You think sex is great with a guy who doesn't like to kiss, doesn't like to go down on you — in essence, a guy who has no interest in pleasuring you? How many ways can you spell "OMG?"
Let me tell you what a great lover is. It's the guy who gets pleasure from giving it. It's the guy who senses what you want and gives it to you. And if he can't sense it, he ASKS.
What you have described is not a great lover, but a great dildo. You're making love to a selfish prick and labeling him a caring, sensitive swain. Methinks the lack of tongue has impaired your judgment.
If you want to make this work, you need to have a chat with him. The rule in a conversation about sex is to ask for more of what you want, not what you don't.
In your case that means not complaining about the lack of kissing but to explain how much you like it when it happens. And that you want more of it.
If he explains that he simply doesn't like it, you need to explain — in calm, loving terms — how important it is to you. And then follow it up with this question: "How can I help you like it more?"
Make no mistake, a no-kiss policy is a dumpable offense. Natural historian Ernest Crawley, who did extensive research on the origin of kissing, tells us that since the ancient Greeks and Romans, it's been a universal expression of love and affection. He once described kissing as "the mother of the senses."
One interesting factoid Crawley discovered: Kissing was rare among the "lower and semi-civilized races," but was "fully established as instinctive in the higher societies." In other words, your boyfriend is low-rent.
Still, after all my nattering negativity about your boy toy, I do think he's worth trying to salvage. You owe it to him — and yourself — to bring up the subject.
Another historian, Christopher Nyrop, describes romantic kissing as an "exultant message of the longing of love, love eternally young, the burning prayer of hot desire, which is born on the lovers' lips, and rises up to the blue sky from the green plains like a tender, trembling thank-offering."
Why would you want to live without that?
Got a burning or a why-is-it-burning question for the Sexorcist? E-mail him at email@example.com. Mike Alvear is the author of a line of How to Meet Guys on Facebook and teaches monthly blogging workshops with Hollis Gillespie.
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