Don't fall prey to 'male fraud' 

I never believed in "male enhancement" until I saw ex-Texas Cowboy head coach Jimmy Johnson on TV touting ExtenZe. Now, I'm thinking, if a hardheaded man like him says he uses it then it must be legit. I've got a simple question: Do male enhancement supplements work?

— About to Shell Out

Dear Shell,

No, male enhancement supplements don't work. Wait, did I say "no?" Because I meant, "NO!" As in no way, no how, nowhere, no matter who sells it.

Now, I know how difficult it is to comprehend a weasely word like NO when the scent of adding four terrifying inches to your wang is in the air, so let me say it again: YOU CAN MAKE YOUR DICK BIGGER THAN A CLUB! Wait, that's not it. See how hard it is to type out the word NO when you keep getting interrupted by ... INSTANT 14-INCH HORSE COCK! ... promises of eternal salvation?

It's a testimony to men's sexual insecurities that shysters make hundreds of millions of dollars on worthless pills, supplements, creams and gels. And don't get me started on Jimmy Johnson. Now he can add a third title to his wins: The Super Bowl of Bullshit. In one of the ads he says, "Most men want to perform the best they can in just about everything. Isn't that why we buy the biggest and best of everything?" He signs off with the tagline: "Go long with ExtenZe. I do."

Oh. My. God. Talk about selling your dick to the devil. Here's all you have to know about the industry: Many of the big, and did I mention, thick, makers of male enhancement products have gone to jail or paid big fines for fraud. A judge sentenced Enzyte ("Smilin' Bob") founder to 25 years in jail for money laundering, bank fraud and mail fraud (really, they should change the name of the crime to Male Fraud).

A former VP of Enzyte testified that the owner required customers to provide notarized documents from a doctor proving that they had small genitals in order to get a refund. It was so bad the owner's mother was sentenced to prison (she didn't serve because she was 75 and ailing). The only reason these male enhancement products don't get brought up on charges of false advertising is that the FDA is legally prohibited from doing so. The herbal industry bribed, er, lobbied congress hard to keep the FDA from asking them for proof of efficacy, content, side effects, and, ahem, promises.

Basically, if congress allowed the FDA to regulate herbal supplements, it would shut down the male enhancement industry faster than a unionized Wal-Mart. But it can't. So anybody with an herbal supplement can promise whatever they want without having to prove it. Still, you have to admire these Male Frauders for their sheer gall and disciplined media tactics. See, they were smart enough to understand they could borrow legitimacy from the mainstream media.

First, they stopped advertising in the back of questionable magazines and started advertising in legitimate media like CNN. Now, why would somebody like CNN run demonstrably false ads? Simple: $$$. There's a recession going on, cha-cha. Money talks, nobody walks. Male Frauders like Enzyte spend up to $1 million a month in advertising. The second thing you do is find an accomplished, testosterone-charged hero-spokesperson to cover the cow dung with an odor of plausibility. Nice to see you, Jimmy. Quack, quack. So the question becomes, why are millions of men buying this shit? Simple: God gave us a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to run one at a time.

In conclusion, male enhancement supplements don't work. Never have, never will. No way, no how, nowhere. But that doesn't matter, does it? The Male Frauders took their cue from Charles Revson, the founder of Revlon. He once famously said, "We're not selling makeup, we're selling hope."

Mike "The Sexorcist" Alvear hosts HBO's "The Sex Inspectors," blogs at mikealvear.com and teaches monthly blogging workshops with Hollis Gillespie. Got a burning or a why-is-it-burning question for the Sexorcist? E-mail him at sexorcist@creativeloafing.com.

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