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... Make a friend with a boat 

Boating is mostly a hobby for rich people. How do I know you're not rich? Because you're reading this instead of cruising in style on a lake or river somewhere, surrounded by scantily clad women whose breasts are soaked with champagne. A hobby for people like you? Making friends with people who have boats. Some simple tricks:

1) Make your feet dress the part: Did you know they make shoes that are specifically for being on boats? They're called boat shoes, and Sperry makes a nice pair for around $100 — which is way cheaper than owning a boat, but expensive enough to trick people who can afford a boat into thinking you could, too.

2) Post a missed connection on Craigslist: "You: Male. Two eyes, a nose, mouth (I think). Owns boat. Me: Hot. Literally. Can't stop thinking about your boat. I mean, I can't stop thinking about how badly I want to be on a boat. Whatever. I assume the feeling is mutual. Get in touch."

3) Purchase a boat with a broken motor: As a rule, broken things are much less expensive than things that function. Scrounge up whatever change is left after the pair of Sperry Top-Siders you just bought, buy a broken boat, shove it into Lake Lanier, and wait around for a tow from a person with a boat that works. Then all you have to do is put on the charm. I like to open with a joke about President Obama. Rich/outdoorsy people hate him.

4) Become a dock lizard: You people know what lot lizards are right? Well, a dock lizard is kind of like that, but instead of hanging out at truck stops and offering HJs for drug money, dock lizards hang out around lakes and rivers offering laughs and alcohol (finances permitting) in exchange for boat excursions. Just be the "fun guy." See Obama joke opener above.

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