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Best of the Blotter 2014 

The most bizarre crimes and police reports of the past year

Perhaps the "A" in Atlanta should stand for "animals." Living in this sizzling Southern mecca, some are prone to reverting back to their primal instincts — walking around naked, biting foes, launching poop. We humans can turn into beasts when faced with extreme doses of passion and paranoia. So in recognition of the city's drunken brutes, greedy wretches, and unhinged mobs, we present our annual ode to some of the most bizarre crimes that took place over the past year. Welcome to the Best of the Blotter: Atlanta's wild kingdom.


ATL characters and costumes

DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE: A bare-bottomed woman was booted from Underground Atlanta for lack of "proper garments" on her lower half. A cop spotted the cheeky 23-year-old lass as she strutted down the street, wearing only a shirt and shredded overalls tied around her waist. "From a distance, her buttock was clearly exposed," the cop noted. "As I approached her, she turned around and her genitals and pubic area were also clearly exposed." During the arrest, things got wacky. According to the police report, the woman "insisted that she was fully dressed" even after the cop pointed out her nude hindquarters. "Let me turn this off," the woman said. The cop heard a zapping noise and realized the woman had a Taser. "Drop it!" the cop ordered. The woman ditched her Taser.

ILLUSTRATION BY TRAY BUTLER
  • Illustration by Tray Butler

At the Underground precinct, the cop asked the woman for her name. First, she uttered expletives. Then she claimed to be "Alice in Wonderland" and stated that she frequently uses several aliases: Carmichael, Cilleh, and Juanua. The woman repeatedly called the male cops "ma'am" and female cops "sir." Then she assumed a strange position on the precinct floor. "She was having conversations with herself while lying down on her back on the floor of the holding area with her legs up in the air," the cop wrote. She went to jail on public indecency charges.

DUDE, IT'S NOT A CAPE: Weeks before Halloween, a mostly naked 19-year-old man wrapped in a sheet tumbled out the window of his second-floor apartment. The man "had no shirt and his pants were pulled down around his ankles," the cop noted. Ragged window blinds were strewn around the area where he fell. The officer tried to figure out if the 19-year-old had been pushed or if he fell. His friends said they'd been drinking for hours and the 19-year-old was acting "funny." But the friends were hazy, too. "Neither could give accurate descriptions of what happened nor specifically describe what acting 'funny' meant," the cop noted. Everyone smelled of marijuana. Finally, the 19-year-old said no one pushed him or tossed him out the window — he just fell. Remarkably, the 19-year-old had no serious injuries from his two-story tumble. Yes. It's a sheet. And you cannot fly.

HORROR HAMS: A barefaced man in brown overalls and a guy wearing a Scream mask strolled into a restaurant in Downtown. The masked man pointed a gun at a 34-year-old female cashier and demanded the woman hand over her keys and cellphone. Terrified, the cashier slowly inched her way into a back room to retrieve her car keys and phone from her purse. Shaking, the cashier returned to the front counter, but the masked man and his overall-wearing accomplice were gone. Nothing was missing from the restaurant, and no one was hurt. Naturally, cops wanted to verify the cashier's bizarre story. Sure enough, after reviewing the restaurant's surveillance tape the cop "could clearly see the two individuals, the 'Scream' mask, and the gun." Apparently, it was a prank.


Surveillance shivers

SNOWDEN WANNABE: A woman clutching a motorcycle helmet and a video camera walked headlong into traffic on I-20. "She seemed very focused and oblivious to the interstate traffic," wrote the officer, who stopped to help her. "Don't touch me!" the woman yelled. "She told me I could drug-test her and she's looking for her memory card [from the video camera]. She said what was on the memory card was more important than her life," the officer noted. "She started talking about people hacking into her grandmother or mother's computer and people following her around."

ILLUSTRATION BY TRAY BUTLER
  • Illustration by Tray Butler

Police found her broken-down motorcycle on I-20 and moved it to a safer location. The woman, 41, was charged with walking on a highway.

At the police precinct, cops found large amounts of electrical equipment stuffed into pouches that were strapped around the woman's waist. Two more bags of electrical equipment were strapped to her motorcycle. During the search, the woman "started speaking into one of the little hand-held voice recorders, telling it what was happening to her now," the officer noted. When she lifted up her arms, cops saw small cuts on her stomach and chest. The names of three people had been carved into her left leg. Apparently, one name belonged to an ex-boyfriend. The woman kept saying her "family is under surveillance" and she must return to I-20 to search for her missing memory card. Police decided the best place for her was a psych ward.

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