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Best of the Blotter 

From nude dudes to fiery-tempered ladies and out-of-control celebs, there was no shortage of bizarre crimes in Atlanta this year

People love to tell me their favorite Blotter stories: It amuses me how much pride people have when their friends make it into the column: "Remember the one about the drunk lady wearing a trash bag and a purse on her head who tried to steal her boyfriend's pet squirrel? That was my friend!" Or, "Remember the guy nicknamed 'Meat' who air-humped an officer's patrol car on his wife's birthday? That's my friend!" And it's always a "friend." Sometimes I bet they really mean "That was me in the Blotter!" But they don't want to admit it. And that's OK.

It's important to remember that the people who appear in the Blotter are not necessarily guilty — that's for a judge and jury to decide. I just hone in on the wackier times when Atlantans are busted by our brave guys and gals in the Atlanta Police Department.

Here are some of my favorite Blotter moments from the past year. Enjoy!

— The Blotter Diva


Mind-altering mishaps

SLIPPERY WHEN WET: A woman "with a beer can in her hand, nude from the waist down, was performing a sexual act on a City of Atlanta fire hydrant," an officer noted.

It gets worse. Much worse. The woman was fornicating with the fire hydrant across the street from her 80-year-old mother's home in Cascade Heights. And Mom was looking out the window, watching the whole thing go down. An officer approached the woman. "Upon seeing me, she threw the beer can down and started to walk away, but was hindered by her pants being around her ankles," the officer wrote. "I placed her in custody and helped her pull her pants up, and get them fastened around her waist with her belt." The woman was very drunk. Mom said her daughter has a crack-cocaine problem and always gets high, and then causes problems outside her home. (The mother has custody of the woman's four kids, ages 8 to 18, who were home at the time.) The woman, 44, was jailed on charges of public indecency, public drunkenness, and littering (the beer can).

NAKED BUS: A naked man was running around Buckhead Village after midnight. Several officers tried to corral the nude dude, but he "would not get out of the roadway and attempted to grab a MARTA bus," an officer wrote. The man was also cursing, talking to himself, and "would not put his clothing on." If that wasn't enough, he also was shaking his moneymaker at the women walking by. Finally, the man confessed that, yep, he'd dropped acid earlier. Quickly, police called for medics to examine him. Our tripping man told a female medic, "Let's just go home and have an orgy, you know where it is." Minutes later he yelled, "Turn the fucking music up, let's have a party!" Despite that creative suggestion, he was taken to jail instead. The psychedelic sex machine, 20, is from Acworth.

FLYING HIGH: A smooth-talker with a marijuana joint tucked into his sock tried to go through security at Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport. When a police officer asked the man if the joint belonged to him, the man explained that he needs marijuana because he has ADD. "I asked him if he had a prescription for the suspected marijuana — he said he did not," the officer noted. As the officer started to arrest him, the man played the sympathy card and told the cop he was headed to a funeral in Houston. When that didn't work, he played the prestige card. According to the police report, the man said he had a "$50 million dollar contract with Delta as CEO of his own company" and flashed a Delta contractor ID badge and an airport personnel badge. No one was impressed. Airport workers confiscated the badges and the man went to jail.

STAR WARS REDUX: "I want to fight you — you, Jabba the Slut!" a drunk man yelled as he staggered into a Metropolitan Avenue store. (He made this alleged threat to two female employees.) The 40-year-old man then tore off his shirt and refused to leave. A male clerk stepped up to defend the ladies and grabbed shirtless drunk guy and threw him to the ground. The suspect "swung a couple of times, but missed due to being heavily intoxicated," an officer wrote.

DUD BUDDY: Near Grant Park, a grandmother "grabbed me by the hand and led me to her backyard, where she showed me three marijuana plants growing out of plastic buckets," an officer wrote. She said they belonged to her 18-year-old grandson who lives with her.

About five minutes later, the grandson returned to the home and said he recently bought a car from a guy who offered him the three marijuana plants. The grandson said the guy told him they are male plants and therefore won't produce marijuana. So the grandson accepted the plants and put them in the backyard.

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