Bizarre crimes from Atlanta police reports 

Disgruntled drivers, the breakfast club and more

Around 2 a.m., an officer was parked at an East Atlanta gas station when a green Honda Accord whizzed by. The driver didn't slow down until he hit traffic near the Edgewood shopping district, and then reportedly started weaving in and out of lanes, cutting off other cars. Eventually, police stopped the car on Moreland Avenue and arrested the driver, a 32-year-old man, who passively resisted by dragging his feet while cops tried to stuff him into a patrol car. The man said he is a lawyer, and there's no way the officer could have tracked him speeding. Also, the man said, he is not a "driver" but a "traveler," and his Honda Accord is not a "car" but a "vessel" — and due to these facts he is not required to carry a driver's license. "During his monologue ... I asked for his name," the officer wrote. "He told me that he did not need to give such information to me because I was soulless and had no jurisdiction and was a pirate."

The man started kicking the patrol car, so police transferred him to a prisoner van, where he kept kicking and screaming. The officer opened the van door to check on him, and the man started ranting again. The officer wrote, "[He] then continued his monologue regarding vessels and travelers. He called me a pirate and again stated that I was soulless and without jurisdiction." Also, he asked about the officer's heritage. "I replied that I was American."

ROAD HARD: It was around 6:30 p.m. when police stumbled upon a middle-aged man standing in the middle of Edgewood Avenue. An officer approached the guy, who explained that he was directing traffic and "just trying to help" the police do their job. Despite his good intentions, an officer noted, "he was a danger to himself and other drivers," and he was arrested for disorderly conduct.

ANGEL OF THE MORNING AFTER: A presumably post-coital breakfast got weird for a Thomasville Boulevard resident when her beau went berserk. The 21-year-old woman told police that after she'd prepared a morning meal for a gentleman friend, he left, but forgot his hat and shirt. He came back to collect his things when, for a reason the woman wouldn't divulge, he "kicked her back door in." The guy fled before police arrived.

THE BREAKFAST CLUB: A 60-year-old man told police his female roommate got mad because he brought another woman into their Fox Street home — so mad, in fact, that she poured milk and cereal on him. Both roomies insisted they aren't in a romantic relationship — not that it matters — and the woman went to jail for simple battery.

BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS: A middle-aged man was lingering around the food display in the lobby of a luxury hotel at Peachtree Center. Suddenly, the man swiped a Danish pastry and tried to run. He went to jail on a shoplifting charge. The Danish is worth $2.

DIRTY BUTTS? A woman saw the garage flood lights go on outside her home, but stayed inside because she thought an animal probably caused the lights to activate. Later, she realized someone had rummaged through her unlocked car. The only items reported missing: two CDS (Rod Stewart and the Bee Gees), a cigarette lighter, and a "used" pack of cigarettes.

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.

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