The Blotter September 08 2011

A quick swim sent a local man up shit creek. According to his statement to police, the guy’s girlfriend parked her car near the swimming pool at his Peek Road apartment complex and left the keys with him while he went for a swim. He tucked the keys into his shoe and dove in. A little while later, someone came up and informed him that three young people had stolen his girlfriend’s car — and they’d managed to drive it into a light post just a few hundred feet from the pool. The witness said they saw the kids jump out of the car while it was still in motion, but couldn’t offer any more details. The girlfriend’s car is totally effed, though.

SILLY GOOSE: A 40-year-old man was hanging out at an improv club on Marietta Street when he not-so-subtly jumped over the bar and took a bottle of Grey Goose vodka. Club employees snapped pictures and took video of the guy as he shoved the $250 bottle of booze down his pants, but weren’t in any rush to report the incident to police — the vodka snatch took place at around 5:30 in the evening, and no one called the cops until 2:30 a.m.

When police arrived, the guy was still there, sitting in a chair in the club’s parking lot. The officer arrested him and told him he was now banned from the comedy club — for life. The man “then began to spontaneously utter that the [comedy club] was doing him a favor by sending him to jail.” Also, he said the comedy club never gives him anything for the “services” that he provides. Plus, he openly admitted that he’s stolen stuff from the comedy club for quite some time now.

BITE ME: Even dental offices aren’t safe from gun-wielding psychos. At around 2 on a recent afternoon, a masked man wearing grey jogging pants walked into a dentist’s office, pointed a pump shotgun at the receptionist and screamed, “Give me the money!” So the office clerk handed him some money from the office cash drawer. But the masked man wasn’t satisfied. “Give me ALL the money!” he yelled, pumping the shotgun once. The clerk followed orders, handed over the rest and the masked man sauntered out with $2,000 cash. Police searched the area for the masked man with no luck.

SWEET REVENGE: A man said he was driving north on I-75 near Edgewood Avenue, when a blue pickup truck cut over into his lane, causing him to swerve onto the shoulder. The man said he blew his horn to get the driver’s attention, and asked him what the hell his problem was. About 30 seconds later, the male driver pulled up alongside him and threw a Swiss chocolate cake roll at his car. Police never found the Little Debbie-loving driver, a middle-aged man with grey hair and a grey mustache.

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.