Lust List 2015: Clay: Server, Spoon

? ??Eric Cash?

Age: 21

Relationship Status: Single

Customers are wrapped up in Clay’s fantasy before they’ve even placed a drink order at Spoon. The chatty blond server turns heads with a British accent that turns out to be ... fake. It’s all in good fun, though; a joke between friends that turned into a way to keep the daily grind interesting. The aspiring bartender and musician has a wild imagination and no shortage of stories.

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SERIOUSLY SUPERSTITIOUS

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I’m very superstitious, but I don’t have a lucky charm. Pretty much every single random little superstition you’ve ever heard, I’m about. Except for the black cat thing. Because I lived in a neighborhood where I saw a black cat every day. And I was like, that’s bullshit. You know, today’s been a great day. Fuck this black cat. Get outta here. I know you live next door. But like, splitting the pole, like if I’m walking down the street with a buddy or a girl, and you know like there’s the telephone pole? And they’re about to go this way and I’m going this way, I’m like, “Oooooh, what are we doing?” Watch out. ‘Cause that one’s serious.

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What’s your preferred cocktail?

I don’t wanna pick one that’s cliché, ‘cause I love a good cocktail. Probably my favorite one currently, it’s called a Chapala. It’s a tequila-based cocktail. Essentially, a tequila sunrise, but instead of a lot of grenadine, you just do like a little drip-drop, with the orange juice, and a lot of lemon juice as well. You shake it and you strain it into a martini glass. Looks kinda blood orange-ey. It’s delicious.

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What band were you obsessed with when you were 14?

I think 14 was when I was going through a little Led Zeppelin phase. Probably Zeppelin and Sublime at the same time.

Who was your first crush, a real person as well as famous person?

I think I had a big thing for Patti Mayonnaise on “Doug.” I was fucking in love with her.

That an actual person, or —

That’s a fake person.

A drawing?

Yeah, it’s a cartoon. As far as real people, actual crush, like am I going like back back back in time actual crush? Probably in second grade. Her name was Sandy, and she looked like a movie star even though we were both like, 2 years old. But she was so lovely. I had THE biggest crush on her.

What’s your most gruesome childhood injury?

Me and my buddies, we would sneak out through our windows and we would ride our bicycles all around the city in the middle of the night. This one night I was coming back home. And I was crossing over Highway 78 in Loganville, Ga., where I was living at the time, and I checked left and right and everything was all clear. But then I went into a pothole or something, and I flew over the front of my bicycle, and I came down right on my elbow. And the elbow just completely, you know, just came off. The x-ray looked like somebody just sliced it off with a knife. It was the most beautiful x-ray I’d ever seen. But I was like a mile and a half from home. I had to walk my bike home. I found this one position where if I didn’t bend my elbow it was fine. Snuck back into my house, took some Advil, passed out, woke up the next morning. My elbow’s like this big holds hands up. I had to make up a story about how I fell in the shower to my mom.

Did she take you straight to the emergency room?

Well, actually we had to go straight to the airport cause we were picking up my dad, who was coming home from Afghanistan that day.

If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

I wanna be able to hypnotize people. Of course, you know there’d be limits. I’m not gonna use this power for evil. But I mean, I wanna be able to just look somebody in the eye and then like wave my hand a certain way, and then just be like, “OK, I’ll have all this. Oh, and it’ll be on the house.” I’ll change the weather, change traffic, something like that. Hypnotize, like, the earth.

What would be your last meal?

Probably some good ole, like gumbo. Some rice and gravy. Creole cookin’, some Cajun food. Some chicken and sausage gumbo.

What’s your guiltiest pleasure?

The one thing I truly feel guilty about when I do it is sleeping in really late.

Do you have a favorite quote or a mantra?

I don’t, but I invented one when I was young. It doesn’t make any sense. It’s got a great ring to it, though. Uh, “He who laughs the loudest, often whispers the softest.”

OK. So what does that mean to you?

Yeah, there’s no meaning to it. And if you break it down, it doesn’t even make any logical sense.

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What did you like best/least about your ex?

You know how people give googly eyes? The whole like lovey-dovey eye look? Hers was on point, and it was like from day one. She had a great power in her eyes. I cannot safely say my least my favorite thing about her. I just can’t say it.

What’s your pettiest relationship deal-breaker?

When I’m not allowed as a person actively dating someone to just sort of not wanna do anything for a particular two nights in a row, you know?

Have you ever stalked someone on social media?

I’ve gone on someone’s Instagram and just gone way way back in time. I mean just weeks and weeks, like 125 weeks deep. I’m not too deep into the social media thing. I like Instagram ‘cause pictures are nice. Facebook’s kinda cool. But like the whole Twitter and the whole, like this Tinder deal, not into it. I don’t like how inorganic it is. I like to meet tangible people in a tangible fashion. I mean, I’m not gonna say I’ve never created a Tinder account and tried it for a day and a half, but did it work out? Or did I feel not icky about it? No. Didn’t like it.

What’s your own character flaw you’d most like to fix?

Definitely work against myself a lot of the time. When I shut down and don’t speak the words of what is actually going on inside, especially when it comes to relationships and feelings and emotions.

What’s your least favorite household chore?

The trash is a long walk, where I live. So it’s like just uh, you gotta mosey out. You gotta plan like, oh, do I have seven minutes of time to take out the trash.

Name the last book you couldn’t finish.

The Lost by Jack Ketchum. Jack Ketchum is a wild man. He writes the most terrifically disturbing horror novels. I love scary stuff. Scary movies, scary books, I’m down.

You said movies are your second passion. What’s the first?

Number one’s probably music. I started playin’ the guitar and, kind of as young boy, writing and songwriting came pretty naturally. That was fun. Taught myself all that goofy stuff. That’s the dream that I’ve been chasing recently. Really a combo of dreams, you know, I casually chase.

A casual chase?

Yeah just a casual, lemme jog after this dream.

What’s hanging above your sofa?

It’s a framed picture of something called Jolie Blonde beer, it’s like a Cajun delicacy beer and it has a true Cajun spirit, beautifully framed.

What happens when you die?

When you die? I don’t know. But as far as me spitballing, a shot out of a cannon, I’d like to think there’s some sort of levels or planes of existence. in which, if I die, maybe in that exact moment I kind of like choose one. Or maybe that’s already chosen for me, depending on what kind of a person I’ve been. Reincarnation also sounds fucking great. I just like to think, death is not the end. In a nutshell, I like to keep it like that.

How often do you talk to your mother?

Frequently. Mama? That’s homegirl number one. We talk at least once a week, and that’s if I forget to call her. She’ll blow me up with emojis. She just learned about emojis.

Describe your best date.

I love a quaint bar. Low volume, high tab, you know, dim lit, great liquor selection. Most of the time movies aren’t good for a first date, so I’m just keeping it in the restaurant. If we’re in NYC we can go ice-skating. Don’t go on a movie for your first date. Seriously, don’t. Unless it’s like the perfect date movie, which, I mean, how would you know? You’re going to the movies, so you haven’t seen it. You should just avoid that.

You’d go ice-skating on a first date?

Yeah. I mean, let’s do it. Let’s take it there, you know, honestly. I’m aerodynamic. I feel like I could hold my own out on the ice.

I don’t know. I’ve never seen you.

Neither of us know. That’s the thing.

What’s the one thing you most hope to accomplish this year?

I’m really just trying to get back proper on my beats when it comes to me performing my music, you know?

How would you describe the type of music that you do?

When I play music, it’s just me and my guitar and it’s, I guess, like John Mayer if John Mayer was a black guy way back in the 1970s. Like an old soul but kind of alternative. Not necessarily fun, but I love soul, neo-soul. John Legend, D’Angelo. Stuff like that, but more acoustic and more white boy.

What’s the best place to see live music?

The best place to see anything at all in the whole city to me is the Fox Theatre. It’s just so lovely. It’s beautiful.

How often do you exercise?

I didn’t exercise for like a hundred years. But Christmas morning I was driving through my parents’ complex, cause I went and saw my family for Christmas. But people throw their junk out by where all the trash cans are. And I was driving by and there was just one of those things that you put on your wall, or put on your door and do pull-ups on. Like brand new, but not in a box. So I stopped and put it in my trunk, and after like a week of trying to figure out how to put it on the wall, figured it out and that’s like, homeboy number one now. I love that thing. And I use it every day. So pull-ups and push-ups. I don’t do anything else. I don’t run. I should probably run.

What’s the closest you’ve been to death?

One time, I fell out of a tree.

What’s the best album to make out to?

Make out, like get a little dirty to? Make out, like, smooch? Channel Orange, Frank Ocean.

What do you wish someone would hurry up and invent?

Probably just clothes that could never really get wrinkly or dirty. Some sort of a special fabric that all you do is just take it, shake it one time, and it would be like you just bought it. I just came up with that, but that’s like a great idea. Why has somebody not done that already?

How would you hold up under torture?

I mean, it depends on the method of torture obviously, but I’d probably not do very well. I’ve got a pretty good threshold for pain, and I love the idea of, you know, a mob boss like banging my toes with a hammer until I tell him where homeboy number one is.

You like that idea?

Yeah, I mean that sounds great. I have to test my power in the moment. I’m not gonna give up my friend, you’re just gonna have to take my toes. That’s an incredible crossroad to come to. I like the idea of that. So I guess at the end of the day, emotionally, I would hold up. I would last ages. Like, you can bang my toes off brother, but you’re not gonna figure out where everybody’s hiding, cause you found me, but you’re not gonna find them.

So you went from probably not well to —

Well, I mean I would cry. You know, I would not do well, but I wouldn’t reveal. I wouldn’t give up my friends.