I'm new to the dating scene after a 10-year hiatus. Girls are willing to go out and even put out, but they immediately sink in their claws and expect you to call every 15 minutes. Listen, I have a life. I am ultimately interested in settling back down, but I'm not ready to provide 24/7 control to anyone even if we say, "I do." Is the new price for pussy your eternal free time? When did girls get the idea that four dates equals a lifelong commitment? I've been out of the scene for a while, but I don't remember these psychos before. I've noticed they've all come from dating sites — is that the real reason? Do I need to fish from a different pond?
— What Gives?
Dear What Gives,
Story time: Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they're in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to telegram her sister the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's 99 cents a word." Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'" The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever gonna know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just send her the word 'comfortable?'"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blond. She'll read it slow."
My point, and I do have one, is that I'm not picking up your bull. Sure, there are lots of clingy women around — almost as many as men — but so what? Discovery is part of the dating process. Sometimes, the more you find out about somebody the more you like them. Other times, the more you know, the more you'd like to see them laying face down in the bathtub.
If you run into Time Suck Women, you have a choice: Stop dating them or have the balls to tell them you'd like to keep dating but need more space.
Your fishing holes aren't the problem. You are. Either you subconsciously pick clingy women (narcissists love stringing women along so they can feel adored) or your need to "prove" your generalizations lead you to interpret normal behavior as clingy.
I don't doubt that you've run into women that could teach electricity a thing or two about static cling. But to say that all or most women are like that is, well, bull that doesn't need to be picked up.
Got a burning or a why-is-it-burning question for the Sexorcist? E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org. Mike Alvear is the author of a line of How to Meet Guys on Facebook and teaches monthly blogging workshops with Hollis Gillespie.
Because they are super-duper horny, of course.
Hoping he cleaned his pooh hammer before hand