Gov. Nathan Deal has saved our souls once again.
Those innocence-ruining dicks at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention get their kicks by forcing our nation's pristine teenagers to take a break from visiting their grandparents and reading the Bible to fill their heads with all kinds of salacious thoughts. The CDC's annual "Call to Sexual Deviance" is masked as an innocuous survey that dryly asks the state's middle and high school students some pretty basic questions about their sexual behavior — e.g., number of partners, condom use, whether they like to get fucked up on the bad shit before they bone, etc. But Georgia's governor and moral guardian saw through the federal agency's whorish lies and decided to opt out of a big chunk of the questions.
"Many Georgia parents would object to public schools asking their seventh-grade child these questions, and Gov. Deal agrees with them," Deal's spokesman said. "We don't think that federal funds for programs should be cut based on the use of these questions, but Gov. Deal will refuse federal funds if they come to policies that run contrary to Georgia values."
Really, Deal is merely upholding what has been Georgia's position on this CDC survey since the mid-1990s. Starting this year, however, opting out of portions of the survey now means being disqualified from $1.8 million in federal funding for programs aimed at preventing HIV/AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases, which, incidentally, Georgia has a lot of. It's hard to say whether we have more STDs or moral superiority (maybe we should take a survey ... oh wait.), but suffice to say, we're lousy with both.
I know what you're thinking. Georgia is ranked fifth in the country in terms of new cases of HIV. And based on data collected by states that allow students to answer the survey, we can assume Georgia's adolescents are also a bunch of out of control sexbeasts. Wouldn't it stand to reason that to keep Georgia's young pee-pees and hoo-hoos in good health, we need to foster a consistent dialogue about safe sex?
Furthermore, doesn't it make sense to begin these conversations as early as possible? Doesn't asking middle schoolers about their sex habits do a service way beyond merely gathering data by infusing young, malleable brains with ideas about being responsible for their bodies, actions having consequences, and that talking about these issues is an important step toward keeping themselves safe?
Shouldn't we realize by now that an inability to be comfortable enough with our own sexuality to have these conversations with our kids and calling it the preservation of morals is really just a continuing manifestation of our weird, deeply imbedded, Southern religious sex-shame? Shouldn't we be a little embarrassed that we haven't moved past that yet?
Are we seriously not ready to accept that teenagers are doin' it lots, get over our own bullshit, and teach them how to wield their sexuality responsibly and safely? Isn't it insanely shortsighted to further starve already anemic sex education programs in a state that regularly hangs out in the top 10 lists of STD occurrence and teen pregnancy?
And here's the real question: Shouldn't we be creating an atmosphere of open communication about health with our kids instead of giving them adults who are so freaked out by sex that you literally can't pay them to talk about it?
The answer to all of the above is no, you sinful, God-hating harlot. The only proper solution to Georgia's issues with STDs and teen pregnancy is to not talk about them, especially not with young people. Because, as we all know, refusing to acknowledge that teenagers are sexing is the most effective way to keep them from doing so. If we start asking teens about their sexual habits, that's going to alert them that they should be having sex habits to report about. Because the thought of mashing their genitals together definitely never occurred to them before they saw it on a survey. Not our kids. (Asking seventh-graders about drugs, violence, and suicide is totally fine.)
And while we're at it, Deal actually did us a solid by telling the feds to keep their dirty money. Accepting funding for HIV prevention programs in exchange for our children's innocence? Nice try. Besides, the only true way to avoid AIDS and eternal hellfire is to avoid sex altogether. Deal knows we just need to keep rocking this abstinence-only game a little harder, and we can do that shit fo' free. Morally upstanding and economical? Deal is so killing it right now.
Now that Deal has opened my eyes to the unclean nature of candid conversation about health, I've started noticing other things we've been talking about in Georgia that are unfit for moral mouths to speak. Here is a non-exhaustive list of stuff we should cease discussing immediately:
* Georgia having the third highest occurrence of syphilis in the country. That's really gross and it bums me out. Also, like teen sex and AIDS, if we just don't mention it, it will probably go away. Ditto for Georgia's sixth-place ranking in gonorrhea infections.
• The more than 40,000 Georgians living with HIV/AIDS. And let's not talk about the 156 Georgia teens who contracted the disease in 2011.
• The Atlanta Beltline. All this talk of beltlines lately is leading us down a risky road to impure thoughts. Come on ... Beltline ... pants ... penises ... see? It's a slippery slope. Alternate names for the Beltline: "The Halo," "Purity Ring."
• That new huge Ferris wheel they're about to erect downtown. It looks like a giant birth control pill packet. Also, people make out on Ferris wheels. And talking about it often involves saying the word "erect." No thank you, Satan.
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