It's holiday time and that means only one thing to me: the chance to have sex with my boyfriend when we visit his parents over the holiday. There's something about the possibility of being caught that turns me on. Unfortunately, my boyfriend is appalled. "How could I do that to Mom?" he says. I'm like, she's not going to find out, that's the point. I'll admit I may be a little off the rails on this one because I love "danger" sex, but still. How can I convince him to do the nasty when his parents are two doors down?
— Hi, Mom!
This reminds me of the popular party game question "Would you rather walk in on your parents or have your parents walk in on you?" For the record, I'd rather walk in on them. That way I'd have something on them that could translate well into expensive store-bought gifts.
I think we're all under a shared illusion that nobody in the family has sex when they're under the same roof. The kids don't think the 'rents have it and the 'rents are pretty sure they've raised better children than that. Everyone pretty much walks around with a finger in each ear singing "Fa-la-la-la."
Having sex in your parents' house isn't wrong. (Unless you're having sex with a parent.) Awkward? Yes. Disrespectful? No. In many cases, sex in your parents' house is necessary. Do you know how many adult children have moved into their parents' house because of the recession? What are they supposed to do, borrow Mom's porn? If you want your boyfriend to drop his drawers, you'll have to raise some issues. Like how not to get caught. Talk to him about soundproofing the bedroom you'll be staying in. Here are a few tips to keep the nosiest parents at bay:
Use a towel to "weather-strip" the bottom of the door.
Bring a portable CD and place it right behind the door. If the bed squeaks a lot, play Britney Spears. If he moans a lot, play Barry White.
Put a chair under the doorknob if they don't have a lock.
If they have especially thin walls, run the shower, (They'll hear the water running in the pipes, camouflaging your naughty sounds.)
And, by the way, the single most effective thing you can do to prevent hearing your parents have sex when they visit you (Oh, really? You don't think they do?) is to add more textiles and fabric to your home. Hard surfaces and open spaces allow sound to grow and echo. Adding rugs, curtains, tablecloths, or even replacing a wood chair with an upholstered chair, will help dampen sounds. I hung floor-to-ceiling curtains to cover up an ugly wall in my bedroom and I couldn't believe it — my bedroom is as quiet as a library. Perfect for squelching the screams of my victims!
If your boyfriend is still reticent, I'd also consider the time-tested, zipper-opening strategy called liquor. It wipes away inhibitions like a washcloth. One or two beers and you'll be under his belt in no time.
Be cautious, though. Alcohol can lower inhibitions, but it can also lower performance.
The other thing to be careful about is not to leave any evidence behind. Don't give Mom a stroke when she vacuums under the bed and sees a ripped condom sleeve. Especially if it's an extra-large one. You don't want to give her any ideas. The last thing you need is a mother-daughter competition for the boyfriend.
The point is to address his concerns. You take care of his worry and he'll take care of your obsession. Once he realizes you've practically eliminated the chance of parental humiliation, the only time you're going to hear him say "don't" is right before he says "... stop."
Mike hosts HBO's "The Sex Inspectors," blogs at mikealvear.com and teaches monthly blogging workshops with Hollis Gillespie. Got a burning or a why-is-it-burning question for the Sexorcist? E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Because they are super-duper horny, of course.
Hoping he cleaned his pooh hammer before hand