I have been dating my boyfriend for two years now and I love him as much as I loved him at the beginning, if not more. However, while I am happy in everything else in our relationship, lately he just hasn't been turning me on in bed anymore. Not only that, in the two years that we've been together, I have only climaxed twice. This is a problem that I've faced with all the men in my life and usually I just end up leaving, but I really want to make this one work. I am afraid if he doesn't bring the passion back, I will end up leaving him anyway. I am already having sexual fantasies about other men. What can I do?
— Happy But Unhappy
So, true story: A mother repeatedly calls upstairs for her son to get up, get dressed and get ready for school. It was a familiar routine, especially at exam time. "I feel sick," says the voice from the bedroom. "You're not sick. Get up and get ready," calls the mother, walking up the stairs and hovering outside the bedroom door. "I hate school and I'm not going," says the voice from the bedroom. "Nobody likes me, and I've got no friends. And we have too many tests and they are too confusing. It's all just pointless."
"I'm sorry, but you are going to school," says the mother through the door. "Really, mistakes are how we learn and develop. And please try not to take criticism so personally. And I can't believe that nobody likes you — you have lots of friends at school. And yes, all those tests can be confusing, but we are all tested in many ways throughout our lives, so all of this experience at school is useful for life in general."
"Besides," she says. "You have to go. You're the teacher."
Girl, you're the teacher acting like a spoiled-brat student. YOU are supposed to teach your boyfriend how to give you an orgasm, not the other way around. Basically, you want to dump a good man because of a mistake you're making? You're angry that he doesn't know how to do something you never taught him? My guess is that since you can't bring yourself to orgasm you're looking for the men in your life to do it for you. That only happens in romance novels and porn. Hello!
The answer isn't to walk; it's to teach. Of course, you can't teach what you don't know and what you don't know about your own body is a lot. So, your first order of business is to buy a book like For Women Only, Revised Edition: A Revolutionary Guide to Reclaiming Your Sex Life or an oldie but-can't-go-wrong guide like Becoming Orgasmic, A Sexual and Personal Growth Program for Women.
These books are a basic lesson in Masturbation 101. You'll start by touching for pleasure and discovery, exploring your body for what feels good, what doesn't, and what rolls your eyes to the back of your head. Second, you need to introduce yourself to a woman's best friend, which can be found in the aisles of adult shops like Starship and Inserection, or sites like AdamandEve.com. Hello, Rabbit? It's me, the woman who blames her boyfriend for her own ignorance.
Don't cheap out, either. Get the good stuff. Basically, you need what only a good toy can provide: A dual-vibrating, shaft-rotating, vaginal-stimulating, clitoris-massaging "Rabbit" that'll give you orgasms in high definition.
Ultimately, the formula is as follows: Discover, explore, share. Once you know what you like, you can share it with your boyfriend and let him do the heavy lifting. Lastly, let me caution patience. If you've gone this far rarely achieving orgasms, you have a bit of work to do. You can't expect everything to come at once.
Mike "The Sexorcist" Alvear hosts HBO's "The Sex Inspectors," blogs at mikealvear.com and teaches monthly blogging workshops with Hollis Gillespie. Got a burning or a why-is-it-burning question for the Sexorcist? E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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