I am so sick and tired of my boyfriends endless attention to my needs and orgasms. This sensitive New Man stuff was great in the beginning but, really? How about some caveman sex? Am I the only woman who wants to be thrown around a little? Its not that I dont appreciate my boyfriends attentiveness, but come on. How do you tell the perfect lover not to be so perfect?
Wanting It Thug Style
Dear Wanting It:
You are the reason men build bombs. Instead of feeling grateful for a man who puts your needs ahead of his, youre complaining about it.
And instead of making a simple request (whats so difficult about asking an attentive lover to try something different?), youre pouting like Sarah Palin wishing she had bigger hands.
Certainly there are drawbacks to having a boyfriend who was probably born to a feminist mother, but having to tell him about what you want is not one of them. Hes clearly a listener who takes pleasure from giving pleasure, so why not say to him, I want you to yank my braids, thug-style? I cant imagine that hed be anything but happy to do it.
The bigger problem isnt his selflessness; its your selfishness. Why dont you switch it up a bit and ask him what he wants? (My guess is sex with a sock in your mouth). Try being his sexual slave for a week and learn how to give. Thatll do more for your sex life than him throwing you around like a rag doll.
Despite your grating ingratitude, you do bring up a good point: Sex lives, no matter how good, go stale without variety. If youre having teacup poodle sex all the time, you better haul out the junkyard dog once in a while or your sex life is going to be as dry as, well, kibble.
Silence is the enemy of great sex. Too many people believe that a good lover should know what you want without being told. No one is completely intuitive and all-knowing and its unfair to expect it. If youre not getting what you want, ASK.
If theres something missing in your sex life, the best way to get it is to first ask your partner whats missing in his. Have a conversation about fantasies. By trading erotic desires as if you were in a card game, youll be dealt a better hand later.
As for your particular issue, the fix is easy. What you need is a mechanism to bring out the animal in him. Like a grab-it-and-growl quickie. Tell him you want to play a game and set up an imaginary scene: Youre both in a pristine, white-on-white kitchen, sitting on opposite sides of a table where theres a steamin bowl of spaghetti and meatballs dripping with marinara sauce. Neither of you have eaten in days. There are no utensils, no napkins and nobody watching. To the victor go the spoils. Ready? Go!
That kitchen better look like somebody strapped a bomb on Chef Boyardee and pulled the cord. Quickies are an instant gratification mess. Theyre designed to bring out the alpha male. Theres no such thing as a sensitive lover when the clocks ticking.
Quickies should take between two-five minutes. Anything less makes him premature and anything more makes you a date. Do not take into consideration each others feelings. Its about getting what you want when you want it. Its about taking, not giving. It isnt a love fest, its a stop-the-presses, clear-the-table, here-I-come lust bust.
There are a couple of things thatll make quickies more appealing. First, prepare. Hide a towel, lube and condoms somewhere near the scene of the coming crime. Second, dont forget the foreplay suggestive texts or e-mails that hint at things to come.
The rules are simple: Take, dont give. Be an animal. Roar. And when youre done, lick your paws.
Got a burning or a why-is-it-burning question for The Sexorcist? Email him at Sexorcist@creativeloafing.com. Midtown resident Mike Alvear hosts HBOs The Sex Inspectors, blogs at mikealvear.com and teaches monthly blogging workshops with Hollis Gillespie.
Because they are super-duper horny, of course.
Hoping he cleaned his pooh hammer before hand