My dilemma mirrors that of a recent college graduate on the hunt for that first job. Basically, no one wants you without experience, but how do you get experience when no one will take you?
In a nutshell, I am currently dating an individual with considerably more sexual experience than myself. Weve talked about this extensively and Ive been honest about my limited experience. Initially, he was surprised that I, at age 40, was still finding my sexual self, but was seemingly OK with the disparity. I made it known that Im very open to having new experiences, and he said he was willing to help me explore and find out what I like and dislike and what makes me confident sexually. The problem is, how do I tell him what I like if I havent had what I like? I mean, Ive been able to express the basics of touch me here and touch me there, but Im at a loss for anything more substantial. I really need some guidance on how to unearth what pleases me. Although he has suggested some new things for us to try (and we have), I really want to do my part in this area so that he doesnt feel as though he has full responsibility to make our sex exciting, fresh and fun. Any ideas?
Im about to tell you the secret of great sex, so pay close attention:
Its not about what you do to me.
Its about where you take me.
Sex is not about whats inserted into you, but what it brings out of you. The reason you feel so lost is that you think technique (how and where he touches you) is a substitute for passion.
Its not that technique isnt important, its just that its insufficient. Getting good at the mechanics makes you a skilled worker. Understanding how to shape passion into a give-and-receive union makes you a sublime lover.
If you cant figure out what you want to receive, concentrate instead on giving. Paradoxically, its in the giving that youll discover what you want to receive; we tend to give what we like.
Taking your erotic temperature will be an immense help. Heres how to do it: Make a list. Pick every place, position, fantasy, toy and role you can think of and list them on the left side of the paper. Then check your inner thermometer and circle the appropriate temperature. For example:
Spanking: Cold? Cool? Lukewarm? Warm? Hot?
Sex with a vibrator: Cold? Cool? Lukewarm? Warm? Hot?
If youre stumped about what you should put on the list, check out a few sex books. One of the best is an oldie but goodie called Hot Monogamy: Essential Steps to More Passionate, Intimate Lovemaking by Patricia Love. If you cant round out your list there, theres a convent with your name on it somewhere.
Also, concentrate on the five senses. For instance, hearing. Adding a little dirty talk is a great way to make your sex life fire on all five cylinders, so put Tabasco Talk on the list.
By the way, have your boyfriend compile and complete his own list. By the time youre done, youll have a list of things youre dying to try, wanting to try, trying to try and no-way-youre-going to try. Take each others lists and compare them. Have a go at the things youve both circled as lukewarm to hot. You can negotiate the cool-to-cold items later.
The most sensitive sexual organ is between your ears, not your legs. Just because youre not fully conscious of sexual fantasies doesnt mean you dont have them. Ask yourself self-prompting questions. What do you daydream about? When you think of your partners body; what are the top three things that come to mind? Where do your thoughts go? Follow them.
Finally, dont get too heavy about all of this. Sex may be an ever-expanding discovery of body, mind and spirit, but its also a great way to get off.
Got a burning or a why-is-it-burning question for the Sexorcist? E-mail him at email@example.com. Midtown resident Mike Alvear hosts HBOs The Sex Inspectors, blogs at mikealvear.com and teaches monthly blogging workshops with Hollis Gillespie.
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