I'm a 21-year-old gay college student. I have a job I like, I work hard and I have a nice car and great family and friends. I've been out of the closet since I was 14, but I've yet to have a significant relationship. It seems like I don't attract guys or I must look like a monster or something, but I've never had a guy ask me out anywhere. I think I'm pretty cute, not drop-dead sexy with six-pack abs, but I do work out and stay healthy. Is there something I'm not doing?
— Gay Singleton
If you can't get guys to approach you, the first place I'd look is the mirror. Because your body language is probably all wrong. You can screw up your body language the way a dyslexic burglar screws up bank robberies ("Air in the hands, mother-stickers, this is a fuck up!").
Meaning, your body says things it doesn't mean. Like, "Go away." Play a game with me. Straighten your arm as if you were doing a "Heil Hitler" salute. What's the feeling? Dominant, aggressive, hateful, right?
It isn't your arm that's creating those feelings, by the way. It's your palm. Watch: Keep your arm in the air, but now turn the palm up. What's the feeling now? Open, inviting, fun.
Turn the palm down and you feel like Hitler. Turn it up and you feel like Evita.
Now, if a simple palm movement has that kind of emotional impact on you, imagine the effect it has on other people.
I don't want to turn this into a lesson on body language because you have other issues, too. If you want more info, then check out my eBook Attract Hotter Guys With the Secrets and Science of Body Language. It'll show you what to do with your palms and other body parts to make yourself more approachable.
The bigger issue, I think, is that some people, because of certain characteristics, are simply doomed to be the pursuer, not the pursued.
For example, bigger guys. If you're taller or weigh more than average, you're almost always going to be the pursuer. Why? Size implies dominance and physical superiority. Ever try to pick up a guy who's a lot bigger than you? It's nerve-wracking.
The news isn't all bad for bigger, taller or older gay men, if you look to the jungle for inspiration. Do lions get upset because they've never had a gazelle buy them a drink? Do wolves feel hurt that sheep never make the first move? Do tigers question their self-worth because everything they want to eat runs away from them? Of course not! Take it from them — meat tastes the same whether it tapped you on the shoulder or whether you chased it for miles.
Once you get over the unfairness of it all (and it is unfair — as someone who is rarely pursued, I feel your pain), you're left with a big question: Now what? If you accept the fact that you're the one who has to meet, attract and woo other guys in order to get into a relationship, you should have a strategy that works for you.
The best place to start is with Neil Strauss' Rules of the Game, a straight book about picking up women. A lot of it is not applicable to gay men and some of it is disturbingly misogynistic, but you can't argue with the effectiveness of some of Strauss' tactics.
Your other bet is my own eBook Meet the Hottie in the Corner: The 21-Day Plan to Overcome Your Fear of Rejection, Master the Art of Icebreakers and Snag Guys You Never Thought You Could Get. It's basically a gay adaptation of the straight seduction guru manuals, minus the misogyny.
These and other books, like The Mystery Method, will help you to the point that your next e-mail to me won't be about getting into a relationship but getting out of one.
Got a burning or a why-is-it-burning question for the Sexorcist? E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org. Mike Alvear is the author of a line of "How To Meet Guys On Facebook" and teaches monthly blogging workshops with Hollis Gillespie.
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