Girl-on-girl infidelity isn’t really cheating … or is it? 

Dear Sexorcist,

I’m 38 and married to a great guy, but I’ve been seeing this woman on the side for about three months. Lately, she’s been sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, telling me I need to “confess” to my husband that a) I’m lesbian and b) I’m cheating on him. Bull. First, I have a great sex life with my husband, and second, sex with another woman isn’t cheating! It’d be a completely different thing if she were a man. I think she’s just pissed off that I have no intention of leaving him. Do I need to break it off with her or is there some way to go back to our no-strings sex relationship?

— Uncertain in Sandy Springs

Dear Uncertain:

I haven’t seen someone this self-absorbed since my last boss. I’d say “good morning” in the hall and she’d reply, “Thank you.”

You know what burns my ass more than a three-foot flame? Your logic. Heterosexuals “count” in breaking your vows, but lesbians don’t? You’re not just a cheat, you’re a homophobic one to boot.

If you’re in a heterosexual marriage, same-sex cheating is worse than its opposite-sex counterpart. It’s the difference between peeing on the floor and taking a dump on the coffee table. Ask Dina McGreevey. When she found out her husband, the then-governor of New Jersey, was cheating on her with a man, she knew infidelity was the least of her problems.

You’ve been keeping this from your husband for good reason. He’ll see not one but two threats to his marriage — a 360-degree sexual appetite and an acute case of Restless Vagina Syndrome. Either one has the potential to decimate the relationship — but both? Ka-Boom!

Let’s tackle the easiest problem first. Can you get her back to a no-strings arrangement? Ha! Once somebody attaches feelings and emotions to sex, they can never go back. You’ll have better luck getting the cat to bark.

The problem with the way we’ve constructed monogamy is that it only allows two options in a case like yours: confess or continue. But either option is almost certain to railroad the relationship into oblivion.

We shouldn’t have to choose between divorce and a sub rosa sex life. Forced between the two, we will almost always go on the down low. I know I did. I’ve cheated in some of my relationships. I did it the way you’re probably doing it — by exploiting the Silence Loophole. See, most people want to avoid difficult subjects, so they don’t bring them up. The silence acts as an all-purpose policy-maker. Is it an unspoken agreement to remain faithful or a don’t ask, don’t tell ode to the restorative power of new meat?

I swear, silence benefits no one except libraries.

Anyway, living with my dishonesty was easier to take than living with my partner’s absence. So you’re not going to get an “honesty is the best policy” lecture from me. Not with so much at stake.

The only way out is to press the pause button. Stop seeing her. Don’t tell your husband about the past. Talk to him about exploring sex with other women. Get his reaction. It might be more positive than you think (especially if you’re willing to share).

If he goes bat shit on you, you’ve got a decision to make — break up now or later? Because if he gets upset at the thought of you having sex with someone else, imagine how he’ll react to the fact of it. And make no mistake, he will find out. Life does to facts what puberty does to boys: picks the worst possible time to make them stand at attention.

Got a burning or a why-is-it-burning question for The Sexorcist? Email him at Sexorcist@creativeloafing.com. Midtown resident Mike Alvear hosts HBO’s “The Sex Inspectors,” blogs at mikealvear.com and teaches monthly blogging workshops with Hollis Gillespie.

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