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‘Got a minute?’ makes for one lousy pick-up line 

Dear Sexorcist,

When I had a girlfriend, I could do tantric breathing exercises to keep from busting my nut too early, but now that I’m single and the sex isn’t flying around my house like it used to, my premature ejaculation seems to be getting worse. I actually timed my last session and I lasted a minute-and-a-half from the moment of penetration. Does that make me, like, 20 minutes off the average? More importantly, how the hell do I get this under control?

— Eggtiming in East Point

Dear Eggtimer:

The average guy lasts about five minutes during penetration. That wasn’t a typo. FIVE MINUTES.

That’s great news for minutemen like you because you’re only three-and-a-half minutes away from average! Premature ejaculation is the most common sexual problem for men under 40 (well, that and finding someone to ejaculate on). About 30 percent of men can’t last longer than ... oh, dear. Hand me that towel, will you?

Let’s talk about what doesn’t work: numbing creams, gels, herbs or double-bagging your condoms. Christ, who thought of that torture — Dick Cheney? Some SSRIs have shown promise in increasing stamina by a minute or so, but do you really want to go on antidepressants? That’s like spraying DDT to get rid of an ant in your sandwich.

Forget about distracting yourself with horrible images like dying cats or dancing republicans, too. It doesn’t work and distances you emotionally from your partner and your own pleasure.

Besides, the problem isn’t that you’re paying too much attention to physical sensations; it’s that you’re not paying enough.

The only way to go from a two-pump chump to a longtime champ is to understand what’s happening to your body and retrain it to have different responses. A quick tour of an erection will help. There are five stages to sexual response:

1) Desire: You want her more than Heidi Montag wants a new nose.

2) Arousal: You get an erection you could fly a flag off of.

3) Plateau: You’re in a land where time stops and you don’t think about anything but the pleasure you’re experiencing.

4) Orgasm: The technical term for the phrase, “Oh, God, I’m coming.”

5) Resolution: Your dick goes down; you never call her again.

Some guys, like you, can hardly stay in the plateau stage, while other guys can stay there forever (that’s when your partner gets tired of looking at her watch and starts flipping the calendar). If you want to last longer, learn how to avoid “ejaculatory inevitability,” or the point of no return.

Here’s how:

1) Masturbate until you sense the approach of the point of no return. Emphasis on approach, not arrival. Once it arrives, nothing’s gonna stop you from spraying the baby batter, not even Barbara Bush walking in wearing a thong.

2) Stop! Let the urge to splurge recede. The desire to orgasm will go away in a couple of minutes. Then you can ...

3) Restart! Resume the one-armed jack-hammering until you again get close to the point.

4) Rinse. Repeat. Do it until you get it right. You get out of the Five-Stroke Bloke Club the way you get into Carnegie Hall: practice, practice, practice. If you can’t avoid the point of no return by yourself, you’re never going to do it with somebody else.

5) Try it with a partner. Remember to stop the action when you think you’re getting close to the point and restart when it recedes.

That’s the short version. For more details on the Stop/Start/Pace Method, visit mikealvear.com. By identifying and avoiding ejaculatory inevitability, you’ll be able to take off that T-shirt you’re wearing — the one that reads, “World’s Greatest Lover ... If Speed’s Important.”

Got a burning or a why-is-it-burning question for the Sexorcist? E-mail him at sexorcist@creativeloafing.com. Midtown resident Mike Alvear hosts HBO’s “The Sex Inspectors,” blogs at mikealvear.com and teaches monthly blogging workshops with Hollis Gillespie.

Now you can connect with the Sexorcist on Facebook!

(Photo by blakespot / Flickr)

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