Party boy seeks meaningful lay, er, relationship 

Finding the right partner for longer than, say, a one-night stand

Dear Sexorcist: I'm a 21-year-old guy and I seem to have a problem starting a relationship.

Yeah, you're probably gonna tell me to go sow my oats, right? I'm 21, so I'm supposed to fuck any guy willing, right? LOL, I've been having gay relations with men since I was 15, but I want a relationship now. I try hard and they think I'm a freak; I try not so hard, and they think I don't like them. And older men? Don't even get me started - ya'll build us up, fuck us and then, just like a horny teenager, go after something else! What do I do?

- Wanting More

Dear Wanting:

What's with the "ya'll?" Like you know my life, sucka. Your first lesson is not to make sweeping generalizations about gay men. That's my job.

Your job is to represent. And you're doing a lousy job. Do you realize you sent me a letter complaining that guys don't see you as dating material from an e-mail address that has the words "party time" in it? Dude, seriously.

Let me explain the concept of a contradiction. First, you do much weeping and wailing about wanting a boyfriend and then you do everything you can to attract one-nighters. You talk about how badly you want relationships and intimacy and then walk around the bars with a mattress strapped behind your back. So, first thing, be consistent. Look at what you're doing and ask yourself, "Am I behaving in a way that's consistent with what I say I want?"

Try asking yourself these types of questions in the moment. Let's say you're dancing with your shirt off at Jungle around four in the morning. (Sound familiar?) You could ask yourself, "Am I demonstrating boyfriend-attracting behavior right now?" And later, when you end up God knows where, you could ask yourself, "Do these two penises in my mouth make me look like a slut?"

My point isn't that there's anything wrong with partying or having your heels fill with helium every time a hottie walks by. It's that those things aren't consistent with having or getting a relationship.

Once you're a little more consistent, you can start working on other things, like focusing your attention on the internal qualities of a man. Wait. Did I just write that to a gay guy? I better put some more coffee on.

My point, and I think I lost it, is that you have to go past your erotic desires and onto the emotional and spiritual characteristics you like in men. Wait, did I just write THAT to a gay guy, too? I better get some more 5-Hour Energy Shots. I kid. Not about the caffeine, but that shit about looking for the internal qualities.

That never works. Men aren't built that way. First, we have to have a physical desire and then the intrinsic qualities of the other guy start to matter. That's why you don't date guys with a great sense of humor who happen to be good-looking. You date good-looking guys who happen to have a sense of humor.

Knowing men's operating system (beauty first, everything else second), the question becomes, How do you meet the kind of guys you're attracted to? How do you approach them when they're not necessarily checking you out? You can find strategies for that in books like Boyfriend 101: A Gay Guy's Guide to Dating, Romance, and Finding True Love or my own ebook, Meet The Hottie In The Corner - The 21-Day Plan To Overcome Your Fear of Rejection, Master the Art of Icebreakers and Snag Guys You Never Thought You Could Get.

As you move towards re-creating yourself into boyfriend material, remember that getting into a relationship takes patience. If you're like most gay men, you probably think the word refers to somebody sitting in a doctor's waiting room, but it actually refers to calmly watching time go by.

Got a burning or a why-is-it-burning question for The Sexorcist? Email him at Midtown resident Mike Alvear hosts HBO's "The Sex Inspectors," blogs at and teaches monthly blogging workshops with Hollis Gillespie.

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