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Happy Steak and Blowjob Day! 

Celebrate with these recipes for steak and, uh, you know

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Because sharing is caring

Everyone knows February 14 is Valentine's Day, but did you know March 14 is Steak and Blowjob Day, the male counter holiday? That's right, we ladies get the generic chocolates, flowers, and shitty chalk hearts with lame phrases, and men get steak and oral. (I think we all know who the real winners are in this comparison.)

Culturally appointed gender preferences aside, Steak and Blowjob Day is ... well ... it's awesome. I don't know about you, but I love cooking. And sex. As far as I'm concerned, it's a win-win situation. It's a ridiculous, playful excuse to spoil your man for the day. This isn't about submission. This is about you pleasing your man, the way he in turn is (I'm hopeful) pleasing you.

In celebration of Steak and Blowjob Day, here are some fellatio pointers on how to spoil your man this March 14, plus a mouth-watering steak recipe courtesy of Ron "The Angry Chef" Eyester, chef and owner of Morningside's Rosebud restaurant. You're welcome.

Tease

It takes approximately 30 minutes of foreplay before a woman is aroused to the point of vaginal relaxation (i.e., if she's super "tight," it's not that your penis is sooo big, it's that you've done a half-assed job fully turning her on). Foreplay, however, isn't exclusive to women. Before you're in each other's presence, offer your man a hint of what's to come with some playful sexting that goes beyond "I want to suck you off" and instead uses sensory descriptors, such as "I'm going to start with my tongue at the base and slowly work my lips up to the ... ." Well, you get the idea.

Ignore the Penis

When presented with a man's member, sometimes it's best to refrain from devouring it whole — immediately, anyway. Take your time. Yes, men enjoy fellatio, but there's so much more to it than that. Before you wrap your mouth around your man, massage him. Not his device, his body. When men are touched (pelvis, neck, chest, head, feet, fingers), a hormone called vasopressin (the monogamy hormone) is released, and men feel calm, relaxed, and connected to their partner. Also, turned on. Start by touching his legs up to his pelvic region, but don't actually touch his penis. Run your fingers across his chest. Make his body aware of your presence. Build suspense, anticipation.

Enthusiasm

At the risk of sounding judgmental, I don't get women (or men) who don't appreciate and value the penis. I hear women talk about men not going down on them enough, that men don't spend enough time turning them on before sex, and yet some of these very same women make it sound like the penis is the worm creature from Tremors. The penis isn't ugly, it's awesome. Not only does it bring you pleasure, it gives your man pleasure! Just because you put it in your mouth does not mean you gave him a blowjob, nor does it mean he should be grateful and have no grounds for complaint. Technique can be discussed, adapted, and perfected, but having sex with someone you can tell isn't into it is not only insulting, it's boring.

Technique

The first thing to remember when it comes to blowjobs is that not all penises are created equal, and thus techniques should be customized to each individual man. Your mouth isn't your only pleasure tool. Use your eyes, hands, tongue, mouth. It's not about up-and-down motions, it's about different pressure grips (sometimes loose, sometimes tighter), using your tongue (lick, massage), and your lips (open, closed, wet, dry). It's about different angles (him on a chair, you off the side of a bed), different power dynamics (dominant, submissive), about touching every part of him (head, base, balls). It's hard to go into detail here without going over the line, but, in a nutshell, change things up.

If Valentine's Day is meant for women, and your man did good treating you this year, then on March 14 don't pass on a reason to spoil your man with the things that get him off — steaks, blowjobs, or otherwise. Life gets hectic, why not have a little fun with it? Happy Steak and Blowjob Day!

Next: Your fellatio how-to has been served. Now get a mouth-watering steak recipe courtesy of Ron "The Angry Chef" Eyester.

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