This is urgent! For the past two-and-a-half years Ive dated a wonderful man that I know Ill marry (and I know hell marry me, too, in case youre wondering). Problem is, weve never had a hearty sex life, which is kind of odd for me. Ive always chalked it up to being too stressed out from work or from gaining 10 horrific pounds and loathing myself for it.
But then, magically, one day a couple of weeks ago my boyfriend asked me if I thought he was bad in bed. I laughed and said, No, of course not. But then a few hours later I thought to myself, YES! OMG THATS IT! So really, I think the reason I havent had a high sex drive is because I have nothing to look forward to that blows my mind. So, Sexorcist, what am I supposed to do with this? Use toys or that new K-Y Yours+Mine stuff? Ive tried giving pointers and I know hed be bummed if I needed a toy while he was around. Seriously, how do I take our sex from Uh, nah to Heck, yeah! without hurting his feelings?
Youre doomed. How do you expect to get a solution when you dont know what the problem is? Does he kiss like a hungry mule? Does he touch you like hes wielding a claw hammer? Does he thrust like C-3PO giving it to Luke the way he always dreamed about? What, woman, WHAT?
Until you figure out what specific thing hes doing thats making you stare at the rat poison for hours on end, you dont really have a chance of correcting the situation. Its like getting in a cab and giving the driver directions to a place with no address.
So make a list. Start with kissing and go all the way through the manner he holds you after sex. Does he smell OK? Does he talk in bed? Does he drool like a teething baby? Does he spend enough time on foreplay? Once you understand what specifically youre dissatisfied with, you can make a go of changing them.
Try a game I call the Foreplay Forum. Get naked in bed and ask all the questions you want him to ask you. Like, What are three things youd like more of? Show me how you want me to go south on you. Show me the best way to touch you.
Test-drive his suggestions by asking, Like this or like that? Harder or softer? Slower or faster? Once he sees how much interest you take in his pleasure, hell be a lot more receptive to yours.
When its your turn, go over your list (memorize it dont hand him three sheets of legal paper). If youve tried everything and it doesnt work, its time for the Conversation No Couple Should Have. This is where youre going to have to exercise the kind of restraint most of us arent used to. Its worth remembering that diplomacy is the art of letting him have your way, not the art of saying Nice Doggie! till you can find a rock.
So, a few tips on initiating the conversation. Where? Anywhere but the bedroom. Too threatening. When? Not after sex. Aim for mellow time like a Sunday morning when youre sipping coffee and pretending to read Creative Loafing. How? Casually. No pronouncements like, Honey, youre rubbish in bed. He wont hear a word after that, no matter how kind or insightful your suggestions. All hell feel is the knife stabbing his masculinity in the shower.
Instead, frame the talk as a desire to take both your sex lives to the next level. The good news is that most men want to be better in bed. The bad news is that they think they already are. Somewhere between the two lie the kind of orgasms you write home to mom about. Good luck!
Got a burning or a why-is-it-burning question for the Sexorcist? E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org. Midtown resident Mike Alvear hosts HBOs The Sex Inspectors, blogs at mikealvear.com and teaches monthly blogging workshops with Hollis Gillespie.
Because they are super-duper horny, of course.
Hoping he cleaned his pooh hammer before hand