How to deal with a small penis

What can or should a woman do when the sex between her and her boyfriend is not great due to the fact he has a not-so-big dick? I love my guy every other way, but I’m so sexually dissatisfied I want to scream! I’m seriously thinking of leaving, but then, I do love him.

— Size Queen

Dear Queen,

Indulge me in a story. The Army decides to offer early retirement bonuses to its personnel. The rule is that the retiree picks two spots on his body and gets $1,000 for every inch in between.

One officer asks to be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He’s 6 feet tall and gets $72,000. A second, smarter officer asks to be measured from the tip of his raised hand to his toes. He earns $96,000.

The third man, who is volunteering for early retirement, is a grizzled old captain. “Measure me from the tip of my penis to my testicles,” he demands. The medical officer in charge explains that this might not be terribly profitable. But the captain insists. He drops trou, and the MD places the tape measure on the tip of the captain’s penis and begins to work back. “My God!” the MD gasps. “Where are your testicles?”

The captain replies, “Afghanistan.”

My point, and I do have one, is that there are worse things a man can be missing than a couple of inches on his penis.

That said, you have three options: Suffer, leave or make it work. I’m not big on suffering, unless it’s hearing TSA explain the difference between a grope and a freedom pat, so that leaves you with the other two options.

Should you leave? You have the right to a sexually fulfilling life and if a small penis is a deal breaker, then you’re probably delaying the inevitable.

But leaving is an option of last resort. There’s so much more to sex than the length and width of a partner’s penis. There’s kissing, holding, intimacy, eye contact, one-ness, touching, soul-bearing honesty, trust, chests, butts, toes, hair, discovery, and if all else fails, Sudoku. In the end, the penis is a little piece of a much bigger sex pie.

While some women may prefer penises so big they’re in the next room making drinks, great sex has more to do with what you do with it and how you use your fingers, hands, tongue, mouth, and other body parts to give and receive pleasure.

Your boyfriend’s small penis can only be measured against everything else he brings to the table. Does he treat you well? Does he kiss well? Does he make you hear colors during oral? Are you happy with the rest of his body? Do you think he’s attractive? Do you feel comfortable when he holds you? Is he warm? Lovable? Funny? Open?

And most importantly, does he know his way around your clitoris?

There are all kinds of sexual options for you to experiment with: Sex toys, backdoor sex (anal!), oral, etc. When it’s time for penetration, certain positions can make him feel like he’s deeper inside of you. Try doggy style or putting a pillow underneath your hips.

There are a couple of visual tricks that’ll make him look bigger: Trimming his pubic hair can add an “optical inch.” So can losing a few pounds. Both will make his penis look bigger in proportion to the rest of his body.

In the end, skill, chemistry, and the quality of your relationship are all more important than the size of his 21st digit. As a gay guy, I can tell you I’ve been in love with guys who had big penises and guys who had little ones. I’m not going to lie and say I didn’t have a preference, but let me paraphrase an old saying: “It’s important but it doesn’t make a difference.”

Mike “The Sexorcist” Alvear hosts HBO’s “The Sex Inspectors,” blogs at mikealvear.com and teaches monthly blogging workshops with Hollis Gillespie. Got a burning or why-is-it burning question for the Sexorcist? E-mail him at sexorcist@creativeloafing.com.