How to talk your husband into getting kinky

I am a very horny, sex-crazed woman. I think I scare my husband of 14 years. I want to try different things ... like being tied up, blindfolded and spanked, but he doesn’t want to do any of the above. I told him that I will let him know when he is hurting me too much, but he’s scared of hurting me at all. I want to have fun while I am aging, but with him only. Masturbation isn’t enough. I need him 24/7. What should I do to find some outlet for my sexual problem?

— Impatient Nympho

Dear Impatient,

He’s looking at fulfilling your kinky requests the way Democrats are looking at the midterm elections — with fear and loathing. To get either one to the voting booth, you have to energize the base, stay on message and pander to their self-interest.

See, erections are like elections — if you want to win one, you’ve gotta get out the vote. Your first campaign stop is Fear, USA. Resistance to anything but vanilla sex generally falls into three categories: First, embarrassment or feeling silly. Especially if he feels like he isn’t doing it “right.” The fear of being exposed as inexperienced or unable to do what you want him to will shut him down faster than Rick Sanchez saying, “Jews run the media.”

Second, he’s probably afraid that you’re going to like it so much it’s the only thing you’ll want to do. And oh, dear, he so liked missionary. Third: He’s afraid that something as simple as spanking can be the “gateway drug” to nastier stuff. So, he’s thinking, “Better not start or there’ll be no end.”

So how do you overcome these fears? With that get-out-the-vote campaign I talked about above. First, stay on message. And your message is: “I love you so much that I want to experience you in different ways.”

There’s a difference between saying you want him to tie you up and saying you want the experience of submitting to his power. The first one is off-message and off-putting. He may not know where to put you, how to start or where to end. Hell, he may not even know how to tie a knot!

But if the message is, “Let me experience you in more powerful ways,” then his fears start to subside. It’s the difference between ringing the doorbell and pulling the alarm. One’s an invitation; the other’s a panic attack.

One thing you must convince him of is that adding a little spice doesn’t mean there’s no going back. Most people are afraid to try something new because they think they (or their partner) will like it so much that it’s the only thing they’ll want to do from then on. There’s an easy way around this: Put a lot of space between kink sessions. Let’s say you have a great spanking session. Make sure the next couple of sexual interactions don’t include spanking.

Now, about this business of him being scared he’s going to hurt you. I’m calling bullshit. He has total control over how much pain you experience. He’s using that as a diversion from his real fear: That you’re going drown him in a deep-water horizon of urgent desires.

Read your e-mail. You sound like you got shot out of a cannon into an eternity of needs, wants and desires that he and only he can provide. You’ve probably got him so scared, the only way you’re going to get his dick to pop out is to stick your finger up his ass and yell, “SNAKE!”

So ease off the throttle, cha-cha. This ain’t a sprint, it’s a marathon. Telling somebody who only likes vanilla sex that you want him to try the 39 flavors you just U-Hauled into the bedroom isn’t going work.

Getting your kink on is a long-term affair. Go too fast and you’ll get nothing. Go slowly and you’ll get everything.

Mike Alvear hosts HBO’s “The Sex Inspectors,” blogs at mikealvear.com and teaches monthly blogging workshops with Hollis Gillespie. Got a burning or a why-is-it-burning question for the Sexorcist? E-mail him at Sexorcist@creativeloafing.com.