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I see London, I see France 

Paris, put on your underpants

Maybe Nicole Richie overdosed on Paris Hilton and that's why she checked into rehab. Who knew the rail-thin hotel heiress could be divvied up into so many pieces to fit into so many shows? After two weeks of binging on Paris, I'm in desperate need of a purge.

For starters, VH1's "Fabulous Life of: the Hilton Sisters" whetted my appetite for the party girl's stint down on the farm by portraying Paris as rich-bitch brat who needs a bit of humbling. Usually the voyeuristic show begins with the celebrity's rise to fame, rattling off resume highlights. But the Hilton sisters' story begins with "They were born" -- like Jesus, but with iced-out watches and Chanel-wearing tiny dogs instead of barn animals. Or, more appropriately, like second-generation fame-chasers and reality-show graduates Melissa Rivers and Kelly Osbourne. The show's gimmick is to reveal what celebrities pay for their possessions, but the contents of the Hilton sisters' shopping spree receipts are really more agitating than entertaining. Seriously, $1,500 on a Christian Dior dog carrier? Isn't that a down payment on a car?

While the "Fabulous Life of" sets up Paris as the brat du jour, "The Simple Life" (8:30 p.m. Tuesdays on Fox) drags her down to average society. Correct that, below average American society. It wouldn't be much fun to see a spoiled socialite in the suburbs shopping for a package of Perdue chicken, so put her on a farm where they kill, pluck and cook the chickens fresh every day. Or better yet, have her stick her arm up a cow's ... well, inside a cow. Whoops, that was Nicole. Poor Nicole, she's Arthur to Paris' The Tick.

Paris-mania doesn't stop with her ho-hum reality show: Let's not forget the Paris Hilton sex tape. Who can resist downloading it with subject lines like, "Par!5 Hi1ton loves an.al"? First of all, it's not nearly as comical as Pam and Tommy Lee -- it's creepy. Paris stares directly at the camera during the whole taping regardless of how partner Rick Solomon impales her, and it's shot entirely in night vision. Note: Night vision is destined to be the new black. Not only is it slimming, but it gives skin a lovely texture. The effect also illuminates Paris' eyes like a raccoon caught in headlights.

A "Playboy" spread usually signals the 14-minute mark of a reality TV star's 15 minutes of fame (i.e. Jerri from "Survivor"), but Paris' ho-hum filmed romp may spare us the boney photos. Hef prefers the unattainable, and Paris has clearly been attained. True, dear ol' Pam's done spreads, but it was before her tapes were released. Besides, Paris isn't Pam.

Paris' sex life, on the other hand, may continue to be entertaining. "VH1 All Access: Awesomely Bad Girls" has already highlighted Paris' alleged catfights over men. As it turns out, Paris' sex-tape partner was once married to Shannen Dougherty, who reportedly punched the waif in the face. Lisa Marie Presley suspected the blonde schtooped then-husband Nicolas Cage and threw a drink in the waif's face. Do I hear the makings of an excellent Celebrity Boxing Match?

And by the way, when did VH1 become E!?

The appeal of "The Simple Life" and Paris Hilton is seeing the popular girl get punished for being popular. While I secretly hope head-of-house Albert Leding will pull farm-boy-kissin', car-thievin' Paris over his knee and spank the hell of her for being a rich bitch, sadly, that's not going to happen. The hitch in the dethroning of this pampered princess is that although she may get dragged through the muck, at the end of the show she still gets her inheritance. Her rat-dog still gets to wear couture. We still get to shop for Perdue chicken.

Sadder still is that both Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton plan on releasing albums.

heather.kuldell@creativeloafing.com

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