Your advice may have worked for Miss (un)Happy but it has not worked for me. When I first met my boyfriend three years ago, I found the opportunity to teach him the art of advanced sheet-twisting and sensuality. He is five years older than me and I am only his fourth lover. I saw it as a challenge and an opportunity for sexual corruption. Although he’s made some minor improvements, he is still very clueless in the bedroom. I showed him what I liked, we have the Kama Sutra, watched porn together, watched online sex lessons, we are VIP members at adamandeve.com and even at ATL’s Twisted Toyland. I have tried many different types of role play and outfits to vamp it up, but it just made him release his gravy quicker. We can't seem to get pass vanilla high-school sex.
I don’t know what to do as I love him, but my physical needs are not being met. I think the pressure to help him improve may have worsened things. We took a break and I encouraged him to sleep around, but he declined. I feel he may need more experience. I slept around during our break. Although other men satisfied me sexually, I still went back to my boyfriend because he satisfies me emotionally. He is perfect except that he doesn't please me sexually.
I am beginning to lose my interest in sex altogether. I don't know what to do! Is it really possible to teach someone passion and sensuality? Can you really teach someone how to have good sex? Maybe we just don’t have the right sex chemistry. What do you try when you have tried it all?
— Giving Up
Dear Giving Up:
So, I’ve taken up piano lessons lately and you know what? I suck. I don’t mean the kind of cutesie awful like, “twinkle twinkle little star” bad. I mean, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?! bad.
I practice and practice for hours and hours. My teacher’s face is beginning to set into a permanent wince. I’ve got Binder & Binder calling me with offers of a settlement (“Please, just take it.”). Dead composers re-enact their death every day that I practice.
I know I’m awful. So why do I keep going? Because I LOVE the feeling of playing music. Why should I give up on something I love just because I’m no good at it? Same with you. Or rather your boyfriend. He’s got a tin ear for sex. And, like me, he’s never going to tickle the keys in an impressive way. But why should he (or you) quit something just because there’s no progress? I’m not unsympathetic to your plight (or my teacher’s). You have the right to the sexually fulfilling life that you don’t have. I agree with you that you need to stop teaching him something he can’t learn (hope my teacher isn’t reading this).
So the question is, what now? Do you just give up? Let the dust and cobwebs form over your nether regions? No, but it does mean that you have to re-set your expectations. One way is to get good at partner-friendly masturbation. He may not know how or be any good at pleasuring you, but how bad can he be at holding you just the right way while you do that voodoo that you do so well? For him, it means assisting rather than leading. For you, it means coming to terms with the fact that he’s never going to be your idea of a great lover, but that shouldn’t stop you from enjoying your own body.
The second option is rather ugly but something I’m sure you’ve thought about: Opening the relationship. This needs to be done consensually, not unilaterally.
Your third option, and the one I most recommend is sex therapy. The techniques they use, in combination with psycho-therapy, will give you the best shot at improving your sex life.
Now, sit and be quiet. I want to play you my rendition of Disney’s “A Whole New World.”
Got a burning or a why-is-it-burning question for The Sexorcist? Email him at Sexorcist@creativeloafing.com. Midtown resident Mike Alvear hosts HBO’s “The Sex Inspectors,” blogs at mikealvear.com and teaches monthly blogging workshops with Hollis Gillespie.
Because they are super-duper horny, of course.
Hoping he cleaned his pooh hammer before hand
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