‘It’s MELTA’: Marta to buy Delta

Atlanta commuters could be one step away from blasting through town on jet engines ... and at least one MARTA driver’s looking forward to the extra firepower.

“I can’t wait to drive a 747 down Peachtree,” said bus jockey Frank “Birdfinger” Johnson. “You think any more of them cabbies are gonna cut me off when they know I can blow right over them with one tap on the accelerator?”

Johnson’s dream will become reality if MARTA buys near belly-up Delta Air Lines. Transportation egghead Wendell Coxswain says the deal’s a surefire way to save Delta from its final swoon and give a big boost to the pitiful transit system.

Insiders wouldn’t confirm the looming buyout. But a source close to the deal said it’d be great for MARTA.

“By replacing our buses with luxury jetliners, we can offer MARTA riders first-class accommodations — literally. And even our coach passengers will have plenty of leg room.

“It may cost up to $100 for round-trip fare from Lenox to Midtown — but that includes a complimentary soft drink and a bag of peanuts.” For more cost-conscious commuters, MARTA can slash prices to a dollar for its new “baggage compartment” riders.

“It’s a whole new paradigm in public transportation — I think people will grow accustomed to seeing MARTA SSTs as they roar down 400,” said Coxswain. “And as long as the jetliners stay on the ground and obey the rules of the road, there’s no need to get the FAA involved.”

MARTA also can take advantage of the Delta fleet’s capacity for supersonic velocity by replacing trains with planes on MARTA rail lines, Coxswain said. “It used to take more than half an hour to ride a MARTA train from the Chamblee Station to Five Points. Now, they’ll be able to make that distance in about 98 seconds, at a comfortable cruising altitude of six feet above sea level.”


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