The Blotter: Jesus, take the wheel

A 28-year-old man refused to leave the SkyView Atlanta Ferris Wheel area on Luckie Street in Downtown. “He said that he was there because GOD told him to do so as a daily journey and that a gravitational pull forced him in that direction,” the reporting officer wrote. Medics examined the man and said absolutely nothing was wrong with him — not even his obsession with gravity and pumped-up Ferris wheels. The cop gave the man a trespassing warning and told him not to return to SkyView. Then the cop offered to give the man a courtesy ride to get him out of there. The man refused the ride, so the cop offered to call a friend or family member to come pick him up. Nope, the man said, he’ll just walk.

One hour later, the man’s gravitational pull was apparently triggered again. He returned to the SkyView and plopped himself down in a chair. The same cop returned and dragged the man off to jail for trespassing.

Embellished eggs

In Candler Park, a man said he returned home from China and found eggs smeared all over his McLendon Avenue home. (The man believes several cartons worth of eggs were coating his home.) He has no idea why someone would egg his home on such a grand scale. According to the police report, the man said he needed to hire a professional to remove the eggs and possibly repaint the exterior of his home.

Fugitive role-playing

During rush hour, a middle-aged woman kept running into traffic and trying to hop onto the backs of trucks whizzing by on Decatur Street near the Pencil Factory Lofts. Cops arrived to deal with her. The woman said she was running from the FBI and guard dogs were chasing her. Cops looked around — no FBI agents or dogs in the area. They took her to jail.

Batty in the park

At Turner Field, a father-son outing to an Atlanta Braves game went horribly awry. The father and son were in a group of four guys who were busted for seat-hopping during the baseball game. Three men cooperated with security and agreed to move back to their seats. One man — the father — went berserk. He stood up, threw his beer can onto the ground, and lunged toward a security guard while swinging his fist. “This is because of Obama!” the father screamed. “I am a Republican!” The father pushed a police officer into a stair railing. He kept screaming obscene statements about Obama and used the N-word repeatedly. The irate father flung his arms into the air and screamed as more police swarmed in.

The angry father “took his right hand and firmly gripped his left wrist so we could not pull his hands behind his back,” the reporting officer wrote. Once handcuffed, the father “tried to trip us and drop us to the ground,” the officer wrote. “We were able to lift him up and basically carry him down the stairs.” The angry father’s entire outburst happened in front of his son, who yelled at police not to arrest his dad because dad has a bad arm. Too late for the sympathy card.

The father, a 52-year-old man from Elberton, was dragged, kicking and screaming profanities, out of Turner Field. Now the father is banned from Braves games “indefinitely.” His son was allowed to stay.

Hear ye, hear ye

An Atlanta police officer needs to get his hearing checked — or study up on common diseases. This officer was dispatched to file a standard report about a 93-year-old man who died peacefully in his Brookhaven home. The officer spoke with the man’s widow and asked about the cause of death. According to the officer’s written report, the man died of “Old Timers disease.” (Mr. Officer, that’s Alzheimer’s disease.)

Bad dog

On Peachtree Street, a hungry 41-year-old man walked up to a food truck and asked for a free hot dog. His request was fulfilled — he got a free hot dog. (Maybe he had a coupon, or the food truck owner was feeling generous.) Then, the 41-year-old man started complaining about his free hot dog and how it tasted. The food-truck owner told the man to clear out and leave. The man refused to leave, started cursing loudly, and threatened to beat up the food truck owner. The food-truck owner called police and regretted his earlier act of kindness with the free hot dog. Cops arrived and took the man to jail.

Gambler’s revenge

A woman with a braided ponytail walked into a grocery store on Lakewood Avenue and bought a few things. After her purchases, she reportedly walked to the rear of the store to a large gaming machine. The woman pulled out a silver hammer and started whacking the gaming machine.

“The female moves a chair in front of the gaming machine, and shortly after kneels down on the stool for leverage and begins to strike the machine with a black-handled hammer until the face of the gaming machine falls off,” an officer wrote. She kept whacking away and turned the machine over. Then she stood up and ran out the door. (No, she didn’t nudge any money loose from the machine. Just whacked it.) When police arrived, they found her hammer outside. The woman was long gone.

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.