Karma Cleanser 

My ego's bruised after losing the best bottom contest

I know I don't have the best ass in the world, but one night I was walking to a popular gay hangout and just felt in my bones that they were going to have the best booty contest. Then and there I decided if it happened, I would enter.
Well, it did turn out to be the night of the best butt contest and the chance at $100 that I could definitely use. I downed a couple of beers and put my name on the list. Knowing I didn't have the finest rump, I was relying on the fact that I was still chicken to many of the daddies in the house and they would look favorably upon my derriere for that reason alone. I didn't expect to have five hot competitors as well. I made it to a final showdown of ass-shaking and then lost to a man with lots of junk in the trunk.

I began to rage inside, partly from embarrassment at flashing my ass in front of hundreds of men, partly at my pride being a bit dented. How do I show my face again?

-- Bottom Boy

Hang on a second, BB, there's no need to be a drama queen and stop frequenting your favorite nightspot. Consider this: Even though you didn't win, how many guys in the crowd were rooting for your booty? With exposure like that, we bet you'll be the belle of the bar on your next visit.

Karma Cleanser:
It happened again. For the fourth time in two years, a girl I was digging has unilaterally decided that we'd be better buddies than bedmates. It's the same case every time. First comes chemistry, then a little flirtation, then some smooching (or maybe more), then the bomb drops. I, like the loser I apparently am, keep thinking that this is The One.

With girl No. 4, though, I was more careful than before -- taking things slow, not telling anyone about my newfound obsession, trying to maintain my cool in her presence. Somehow my strategy failed, leaving me back at my starting point of low self-esteem and zero prospects on the dating horizon.

Is this some karma from my past coming back to haunt me? I don't have much dating history, but I've obviously gone wrong somewhere.

-- Got my lose on

The word that scares us most -- and probably holds the key to your luckless streak -- is "obsession." No wonder the girls run screaming. Plus, you're obviously not learning from your mistakes. Stop your relentless search for The One and focus on yourself for a while. Girls often fall for the distant, selfish type.

Send confessions and questions about how to avoid karmic retribution to karma@creativeloafing.com, or to Karma Cleanser, Creative Loafing, 750 Willoughby Way, Atlanta, Ga. 30312. All entries are anonymous, of course.

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