The Karma Cleanser has known some psychotic fag hags in our time, but never one bold (or desperate) enough for such measures. No wonder people say the Internet's a dangerous place! Your first priority here must be to confess your real gender to the poor sap. Chances are this will be the end of the friendship, but perhaps you can redeem yourself by setting him up with strapping young Tom.
Dear Karma Cleanser:
My marriage has been pretty damn near ruined by our cable modem. Ever since we installed the broadband suite, my wife has been spending more and more time on the computer, chatting with her "best friend" on the opposite coast.
I took this problem to my friend (who used to be a preacher), and he said that I should spend less time confessing my wife's sins and more time focusing on my own. What do you think?
-- Thanks a lot, Cable Guy
We suspect that your wife's obsession with cyberspace probably has a lot to do with the needs you're not meeting in her life. Listen to your defrocked friend and have a long look at your own faults. Write us again once you figure out what those sins are.
Send confessions and questions about how to avoid karmic retribution to firstname.lastname@example.org, or to Karma Cleanser, Creative Loafing, 750 Willoughby Way, Atlanta, Ga. 30312. All entries are anonymous, of course.
Because they are super-duper horny, of course.
Hoping he cleaned his pooh hammer before hand