Karma Cleanser - September 19 2007

Dear Karma Cleanser:

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Am I a hypocrite? Seven months ago, I met a man on a blind date that my friend had set me up on. I found him to be shy at first, but as I got to know him better I saw that he was really a person that I wanted to spend time with. We both fell head over heels and started staying up late talking to each other on the phone like high-school sweethearts. I had not experienced this kind of connection with a person in well over a decade.

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As I got to know him better, he began to open up to me in a way that he’s never opened up to anyone before. I’d like to say that I did the same thing, but I did not. I know that I held a lot of my “baggage” back because I did not want to scare him off. He told me more and more about his troubled teen years and I began to see that he had a lot of big issues. It made me feel sorry for him and want to help him heal, although I knew from previous relationships that I could not “fix” him. After four months of dating, we moved in together. The relationship is continuing to grow with only a few growing pains. He has told me more about his childhood, and I’ve tried to be a good listener, but I also feel bad because I am holding back a lot from him.

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Recently, he asked me if I thought he should talk to a therapist. This is why I feel like a hypocrite. I told him I thought that therapy would be a very good option for him. I did not tell him about my own truly horrific experience in therapy when I was in my early 20s, which is one of the many “skeletons” in my own closet that I do not feel comfortable talking to him about.

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I am terrified that I am giving him bad advice by telling him to seek therapy, knowing how bad it turned out for me. I also know that he truly needs some counseling and that I can’t pretend to be his therapist much longer. Is my karma in trouble for giving advice that I don’t really believe to someone I love?

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You’re only a hypocrite if you keep your vow of silence and don’t let this guy know what’s really going on in your thoughts. It seems wildly selfish for you to soak up his self-revelations without offering any of your own in return. There’s also something telling in the way you describe your relationship as a return to your high-school self – the time before you made enemies of honesty and disclosure. The universe always gives us exactly what we need, even if it’s not always what we want. If your man does start therapy, maybe you should make it an appointment for two.

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Been bad? karmacleanser@gmail.com