Lust List 2012: Jason

Job: Server at Gilbert’s Café
Age: 25
Relationship status: Single

At only 25, Jason has already gotten around. That’s what happens when you’re a military brat growing up in Spain, New York, Cali, Okinawa, and, for his teen years, South Georgia. In Atlanta for the past couple of years, Jason can be seen dishing up Mediterranean food and mixing drinks in Midtown. But don’t get too pushy with your come-ons; he’s “newly single and not yet ready to mingle.” You might appeal to his literary side. When he’s not thrifting or rapping under the name Whiskey Rocks, Jason writes poetry, screenplays, and novels — his newly self-published reincarnation tale is titled The 7th Time.

What’s your standard drink?
Maker’s Mark with ginger ale.

What band were you obsessed with when you were 14?
I was obsessed with Lil’ Kim, maybe.

What’s your guiltiest pleasure?
Writing dope lyrics under the rap moniker Whisky Rocks. Yeah, but I guess that’s becoming guiltless.

What’s your least favorite household chore?
Folding clothes, for sure.

On which reality TV show should you be cast?
If I were on a reality TV show, maybe one of those “Project Runway”-esque shows, where they give you some designers, where Tim Gunn’s there. I love Tim Gunn. Some design challenge thing where I’m freaking out about being creative.

What’s the last thing that made you cry?
Probably the last thing that made me cry was my breakup. Oh, actually — “Summer Heights High,” the last episode when Jonah got expelled. I’ve gotten more sensitive over the years, and that’s a comedy, but I was like, “Damn, Jonah!”

What’s the last good book you read?
Besides mine, the last good book I read was The Five People You Meet In Heaven. I’d never got around to reading it and it’s pretty good. I’m reading Hunger Games right now, though.

What do you wish someone would hurry up and invent?
I’m not promiscuous, but think about this: It’s like a key chain or something, and you’re at a bar, someone’s looking pretty hot, and you don’t know if you should go for it, because they might have gonorrhea, chlamydia, cat aids, whatever, but if you could maybe just prick them real quick, and it was some timer thing, some light in the case, and like, “Ohhh chlamydia, you can get that cleared up, penicillin with that!” And you might go for it. I’m not saying I’m gonna use it, but I know a lot of slutty people that can.

What’s the lamest pickup line anyone’s used on you?
The most annoying one to me is like, “Why don’t you have a boyfriend?” and I’m like, “Because he broke up with me!” God, I sound really bitter, but I’m really not.

What’s the first album you bought with your own money?
It was two of them. It was Brandy’s self-titled album and TLC’s CrazySexyCool, which, at the time when you’re that young, those songs were not what I should have been singing. Not at all. That is not good for kids.

Who would play you in the movie of your life?
I’m assuming Donald Glover would get cast because we get that comparison. I do like Childish Gambino, though. But I’m assuming that’s who a smart casting director would pick. Or Willow Smith, if her acting chops are up at that time. Her most pivotal role yet!

What’s the one thing you most hope to accomplish this year?
If I get up enough courage about it, putting out this little mixtape I want Whisky Rocks to do. It’s definitely going to be for fun, but I have some lyrical chops I want to get out there. So maybe that, and maybe securing a bigger book deal if it can come in a year’s time.

What’s your least favorite thing about Atlanta?
Even though we have little boroughs of culture, it’s still kind of segregated in a way. That’s not to say, “Don’t come to Atlanta, it’s so racist.” It’s just still not many places that are very homo. Meaning people stay where they stay in groups.

Is there a drawback to being attractive?
I guess I just found out I was attractive today. As a newly anointed attractive person, I don’t think you should base so much purely on physicality. But you can’t be like stupid ugly. Ugh, that was really mean. I’m just saying it shouldn’t matter only about the physical. Just don’t take a book by its cover.

What’s the weirdest thing in your house?
Probably my dead fish. His name is Andy Warhol, and he’s been dead for a while, but I just want to keep him and see how his body decomposes. He’s in a fishbowl, but it’s not happening very quickly because there’s a lid on it. Yeah, probably that.

Name one thing you’ve stolen.
Just one? As a kid I used to steal a lot. I don’t know, a Beanie Baby. That’s an easy answer.

Who’s the most important person in your life?
Next question — I don’t want to get people jealous.

What’s your sexy-time soundtrack?
Maybe “Closer” by Nine Inch Nails? “I want to fuck you like an animal?” That could work.

Have you ever been dumped? If so, what was the reason?
I’ve actually been dumped twice by the same person. The first time, legitimate, still kind of silly. The second time, still kind of bullshit in a way. But, I actually got to it first — that’s all I got to say. It wasn’t perfect, things were very a-la Rihanna “We Found Love.” Not as good with those bad moments. But I’m not getting into the reasons because they might read this and we’re trying to work on friendship — operative word “try,” so I’ll keep that to myself.

What’s your pettiest relationship deal-breaker?
Oh, you have to be able to speak. I mean, I’m not the best on grammar, as you may notice, especially in the last chapters of this book unfortunately. But when people can’t speak, bad texting ... yeah, poor speakers.

What would you order for your last meal?
My alter-ego, Madeline — she’s my inner savage fat bitch, she looks like Reptar with different wigs, she actually has a stylist, too, his name is Julio, he works at Helmet on Piedmont, that is my dinosaur’s hairstylist — she would probably order everything. I love meat, so probably a nice juicy steak, or some lasagna or something. Everything.

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How much would you charge to murder a stranger?
I think I’d be good at it because I used to watch lots of spy movies and I wanted to be a ninja, life-long dream. Negotiation basis. See, I’m that serious about it, I need to know who it is, what they got to lose, what I have to lose. It’s a formula. Maybe I’ve done this before.

Name a well-regarded band you don’t like.
The only thing that jumps to my mind right now is “I Gotta Feeling” by the Black Eyed Peas. If I’m in a club or a bar, that song just pisses me off.

With whom would you like to play Truth or Dare?
Oh, god, some crazy fuckers. Maybe Tracy Morgan? Laughs Adriana Lima, because I think she’s really sexy. Adam Levine, Nicki Minaj.

What would be the title of your autobiography?
I already have that. It’s kind of also the fictitious running sitcom in my head. Because I have this sitcom based on my life, which is a sitcom based on the reality show of my life, and it’s called Damn, Jason. Just because of the shit that happens in my life is like, damn, Jason. Just damn.

What did your parents want you to do with your life?
Not what I’m doing now. My parents wanted me to do not what I’m doing now. They wanted me to be in law school like I said I was going to be doing. Sorry, mom. Love you.

Have you ever stalked someone on Facebook?
Yes, I’ve stalked someone on Facebook. We all do it, though. I’m not one of those crazy obsessive stalkers, but when you’re just getting to know somebody you’re like, “What do they do, what are they into?” Everyone does it and don’t lie, so I’m just up front.

What celebrity would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
I would initially probably say Cornel West, but I don’t know how long I could be there; it would get real heavy. So I’m thinking maybe Tina Fey or Nicki Minaj, we could have some real fun in there. Maybe both of them at the same time.

What’s your preferred footwear?
Probably Converse.

What’s the most romantic place in Atlanta?
I don’t know. Probably at your house, with dinner, wine.

What’s your wackiest piece of personal trivia?
That’s easy. Everyone finds it so shocking: My phone is very old and archaic. I don’t really like smart phones and I just got a phone with a camera on it. Yeah, I have a really, really old phone.

At what bar/restaurant would you like to have an open tab?
I don’t know. Anywhere.

What personal attribute in others are you a sucker for?
I’m a sucker for I guess a good smile, nice teeth. I have a huge gap, so when I see something nice on somebody else ... Or wit. Witty people.

Where would you go on a sweepstakes vacation?
Oh, Europe. Backpacking, if I could go back to Spain.

Describe your relationship to exercise.
Recently, my relationship to exercise has been good. I have a little bicep here. I just learned you should work the same muscles out in different groups — that changed my life. Because I’m used to believing in gym osmosis, like you can lose weight just by being there. But I hate exercise. I absolutely hate it, but I just realized you should work different things out at the same time. That makes a big difference.

Not counting rent or bills, where does most of your disposable income go?
Alcohol. It should be more complex than that. I like clothes, too. I like going thrifting a lot. Or ... alcohol.

What’s your life’s ambition/grandest dream?
To have my own production company, be a director, be involved in the music industry, fashion, too. To be very pervasive with my outlook, overall.

If you had to spend a million dollars in one afternoon, what would you do?
One afternoon? Holy shit. That’s very condensed. Buy a couple cars — I’m not into cars, but buy a couple cars and give them away like Oprah, and feel like her for a second. Buy some trips. Invest. Go to Saks for the first time and not just stand out in the parking lot and say I’m there.

Have you ever stolen a friend’s boyfriend?
Never. I wouldn’t do that. Besties before testes.

What’s your own character flaw you’d most like to fix?
Over-analyzing things too much and maybe doubting myself sometimes. Just like my potential or my self-worth. Or maybe I should be more disciplined sometimes.

What silly thing are you most vain about?
Maybe my hair, because it’s always doing different shit. When I do something different to it and people don’t even notice, I’m like, “Are you kidding me?”

Why do you think someone nominated you for the Lust List?
I still don’t know really. Maybe they wanted to see me be awkward, secretly. So I don’t know. But thanks.