Headcase - No Mo Drama

I guess it’s cool the state Supreme Court in Massachusetts has cleared the way for gay people to get married there. Personally, I don’t understand why any gay man wants to get married. I was married to a woman for about five years. Why would I want to subject myself to the same misery with a differently gendered person?

Nonetheless, the court has inspired me. I’ve decided to go back to school for yet another degree. This time I’m getting a law degree so I can specialize in lesbian and gay divorce actions. I am going to open a chain of offices across America stunningly decorated and staffed by men and women with fabulous haircuts. Plaster reproductions of Michelangelo’s David, so beloved by gay men, will accent Mission-style furniture so popular with lesbians. My logo will be the classic image of justice holding the scales. But she will have a nicer hairdo and a glow-stick instead of a sword. The blindfold will be pure Prada.

My network of No Mo Drama law offices will offer special incentives for the employment of our services. For example, there will be a complimentary incineration service for vindictive disposal of the hideous thongs of future-ex-husbands of gay men. These dreadful undergarments, inexplicably popular with some gay men, too often spoil the view. Their wearing is alone sufficient cause for immediate divorce, if not justifiable homicide, in order to preserve the greater aesthetic good. Only the wearing of rainbow-colored accessories is more actionable than thong wearing. Yes, gay Americans will add substantially to divorce litigation by openly addressing the dirty little secret of domestic fashion abuse.

The No Mo Drama law offices will help formerly lovestruck marrieds get the fuck out with the most stuff as fast as they can. I can’t help thinking back to my own earlier relationship and the unduly bitter dispute we had in our property settlement owing to the lack of legal regulation of our love nest. I am deeply motivated to help others avoid the pain I experienced when my ex walked out of the house with the food processor, leaving me only with the dull mezzaluna chopping knife. I can hardly bear to tell you that I lost the food processor after I went crazy in my grief and anger and used his collection of Waterford goblets for batting practice in the front yard of his new “special friend.” If only I’d had a lawyer to help me acquire ownership of the glass collection. Then I could’ve avoided suffering the indignity of being threatened with a peace warrant.

Above all, there was the matter of custody of our child — a wire-haired, impossibly obese Dachshund who won the Ugliest Dog Contest in Houston even though we didn’t personally enter her in the contest. True, I had to agree with the friend who submitted her picture in loco parentis that she did look like an exploded sausage with the teeth of a rat and a coat made of patches of pubic hair ripped from a red-headed corpse.

And then there was the fact that she grew so fat that her spinal nerve was pinched and she lost use of her hind legs, which had to be mounted on wheels so she could roll herself around in a disrespectful parody of the Oscar Meyer wiener-mobile. I can still hear her panting like the little engine who could, as she rolled herself around the park, causing children to run for their mothers and squirrels to drop their acorns and stare in outraged disbelief before this travesty, this monstrous marriage of technology and the canine form!

You can imagine how bitterly we each fought to have custody of this bestial oddity. Had the custody battle been subject to the marriage laws, and had a No Mo Drama law office been available, I feel sure I would have ended up with our canine freak on wheels instead of the two gigantic koi fish, Dwight and Mamie, who perished sometime later when their tank burst open and my cats turned them into hockey pucks while I was out having sex with a stranger. I have not had an erection since!

We at the No Mo Drama law offices will fight to protect you, our client, from similar loss of property, children and erectile function!

Our plans are to give back to the community by contributing 10 percent of the fees we collect to the Fund for the Normalization of Homosexuality. Having at last been granted the right to marry, gay people will now be ready for their final transformation into heterosexuals who just so happen to have sex with other heterosexuals of the same gender. Among the educational projects of the FNH are “Dressing Like a Straight Slob for Gay Men,” “The Depilatory Arts for Lesbians,” “How to Serve Dinner on Paper Plates,” “How to Erect a Statue of Elvis in Front of Your Trailer Home” and, of course, “How to Ignore Heterosexuals Who Don’t Have a Sense of Humor About Their Lack of Taste.”

cliff.bostock@creativeloafing.com

Cliff Bostock’s website is <ahref=”http://www.soulworks.net” target=”new”>www.soulworks.net.