Bizarre crimes from Atlanta police reports: 

NO PANTS PARTY: When he woke up at the intersection of Cheshire Bridge Road and Woodland Avenue, a 26-year-old Decatur man told police he didn't remember much about what had happened to him, but considering he wasn't wearing any pants or underwear, he must've had a good time.

He knew he'd been to a club downtown, he said, but wouldn't elaborate. "He did not tell me the name of the nightclub for fear that it would be shut down," an officer wrote. The man said he gets a weekly text message telling him "what time the party is going to be." On this occasion, he went to the club between 11:30 p.m. and 1 a.m. The officer wrote: "He stated that after you pay the entry fee (usually between $5 and $10, depending on what time you show up) you proceed into the club. There is another area you can enter, but you have to remove your pants to go into [it]. Inside this area are other men." Specifically, the man said this is a "freak" club and a "swingers" club. And it's not his first adventure at a no-pants club — the man said he also goes to a "freak" club just outside the Perimeter.

The man said he knows he had sex, but he doesn't really remember with whom. Now he's missing his wallet (plus $100 cash), his cellphone, black Nike boots, blue jeans, and gray underwear.

DUFFEL TROUBLE: A 32-year-old man from Riverdale packed up his black duffel bag and drove to Atlanta for an event at the World of Coca-Cola museum. A few hours into the event, the Riverdale man spotted a dude in the crowd wearing one of the shirts he'd packed in his duffel bag. The Riverdale man confronted the shirt thief. Turns out, the dude also had another shirt from the Riverdale man's duffel bag. The dude claimed he bought the shirts from a guy at the event named "Pimping Red."

The Riverdale man called police about his missing duffel bag. The dude wearing his shirt took off. Police looked around for Pimping Red — no luck.

RUBBED THE WRONG WAY: In Midtown, a middle-aged man was caught on tape with his dingle dangling out of his jeans. "The suspect exposed his penis from the opening of his zipper and was rubbing it on the city sidewalk several times," an officer wrote. Lots of people were around at the time, going to bars and clubs on busy Eighth Street. The penis rubber wore a white tank top and white sneakers. He went to jail on a public indecency charge.

SMOKING CAPITALIST: In Little Five Points, a 27-year-old man said he parked his black BMW on North Highland Avenue at around 10 a.m., and when he returned three hours later, the rear window was smashed out. The window-smasher didn't get much out of the deal. The only items reported stolen: $35 worth of cigarettes and a Monopoly game. Police lifted a fingerprint from the BMW's door, so perhaps they'll catch the board game bandit.

DRIVER WITH A DRAWBACK: A white Chevy smashed into a light pole outside a gas station on Northside Drive. An employee called police because the light pole was now leaning over. "The vehicle was stuck on the light pole when I arrived," an officer noted.

The officer spoke to the driver, a 41-year-old man. Apparently, the driver ran into the light pole on purpose. The driver said he ran out of gas and couldn't stop his car. "He advised that he was unable to stop the vehicle due to the fact that his legs were amputated. He advised that the vehicle was rolling and he was hoping that the light pole would stop his car." The cop charged the driver with "damage to property" and a tow truck impounded the car.

HANDICAPABLE: Let's bring this week's Blotter full circle and end on the ever-bizarre Cheshire Bridge Road. A 48-year-old man got outraged when he saw a perfectly abled woman — no handicapped sticker or placard — parking her car in a handicapped space. The man confronted the woman, who refused to move her car, and freely admitted she's not handicapped at all. Getting angrier, the man followed her into a rental-car place on Cheshire Bridge and continued to follow her when she walked out. Temper boiling, the man said he "splashed water on the woman." And the woman reportedly retaliated by shoving the man, scratching his face, and breaking his eyeglasses.

A rental-car employee saw smackdown and broke it up. The woman fled and the man called police. He demanded a police report about the woman's brazen behavior and his smushed eyeglasses. Maybe the cops can track her down. The man had the woman's license plate number and the rental-car employee said security video is available.

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.

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