One nation under the knife

One day we will live in a purely enhanced state. With millions tuning in to shows such as ABC’s “Extreme Makeover,” MTV’s “I Want a Famous Face” and the upcoming “The Swan” on Fox, a world where Botox regulates our emotions and gastro-bypass surgery controls our caloric intake may not be far off.

According to recent statistics from the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, since 1997, there has been a 293 percent increase in the total number of cosmetic procedures in the United States. Also published by ASAPS were the most fashionable procedures to get: Ear reshaping is popular among hip teens looking to beguile their DNA. Also known as otoplasty, it’s endangering the derogatory term “Dumbo,” in reference to ears that stick out. The trendiest procedure among adult women is Botox injection, with Botox parties — a gaggle of girls getting paralyzing toxins needled into their faces — still a frequent pastime. Liposuction reigns among both men and women as the most popular surgical procedure. (Apparently, couples now bond while simultaneously having fat removed.) Laser hair removal is on the upswing as men finally realize the wooly mammoth look isn’t that sexy after all. And since we all know a breast isn’t a breast until it’s filled with saline, 280,401 women went under the knife in 2003 for an enhancement.

There is one body flaw that can be corrected in a less invasive way: cellulite removal. Though it looks like an orthopedic shoe not even my grandmother would wear, the $249 Masai Barefoot Technology Sneaker — aka the “anti-cellulite” shoe — has become the hippest shoe around and is on back order until May. And just as “The Swan” becomes the next hit reality show.

If you have a tip or have noticed a trend you think our resident fashionista should know about, e-mail your comments to product@creativeloafing.com.