Prognostication — and other dirty words 

What’s sex going to be like in 2010? It’ll be a game of musical chairs set to the melody of a jobless recovery. There will be lots of new chairs (recovery!), but none for you (unemployment!). With that central contradiction in mind, here are my sex predictions for the New Year:

1. Monogamy and infidelity will both go up.

The economy’s made most of us seek out the stability of a relationship while simultaneously giving us unprecedented opportunities to cheat. There’s no checking on you at the office if you don’t have one, and no confirming your attendance at a job interview you never scheduled. Many of us will become such lyin’ cheats that when you kiss us, you’ll have to count your teeth.

2. Jerking off will be the new infidelity.

It takes money to cheat. Few women are willing to throw away their lives for a quickie. Dinner has to be involved. And if you want the full monty, a little lobster. A jobless recovery is the equivalent of a sexless fuck. When you’ve got the will, but not the wallet, jerking off becomes the new infidelity.

3. Boredom will warp our sexual tastes.

Idle hands will tear into some truly disturbing sex toys. Like the Prince’s Wand, AKA “piss hole stuffer” (it’s exactly what you’re afraid it is). It tops my list of most disturbing sex toys of all time.

4. We’ll start masturbating in 3-D.

Pop in a Bree Olson porn flick, hook yourself up to the belts, warming elements and auto-lube of Real Touch’s new virtual sex device and feel her ride you up and down the way she’s doing it to the dude in the DVD. It’s sex, Tivo-style: play …fast forward…slow motion…stop…rewind…play.

Hmm. They should hook us up to a virtual hiring manager so we can remember what a job feels like.

5. A lot of us won’t be going anywhere to get laid.

If 2009 was the year of staycations, then 2010 will be the year of laycations, where a change of rooms passes for a change of location. Forget about making love with the pounding surf behind you; you’ll be pounding it in front of a poster of the surf behind you.

6. We’ll have more zeitgeist-capturing catchphrases.

Every year gives birth to a memorable catchphrase. In 2009, we had two — one by a Tiger Woods ho’ who claimed the pair had “crazy Ambien sex.” The second, by South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, who came up with the most colorful excuse of all time. Example: “Honey, I missed junior’s baseball game because I was hiking the Appalachian Trail.”

Of course, no one can predict the catchphrase of the coming year, but given the sexual frustration and the lack of jobs to put food on the table, shouldn’t it be, “You gonna eat that?”

7. We’ll continue our tradition of igniting sex panics.

The annual sex freak-out is an American tradition and 2010 will not disappoint. I predict it will be an extension of 2009’s sex panic, “Sexting,” in which 15-year-olds sent naked pictures to each other. This year will add a new wrinkle: Video.

8. We’ll ask search engines the same things we always ask them. released its Top Ten Sex Questions of 2009 and it includes gems like, “How do I tell if I’ve had an orgasm?” Ignorance is evergreen — there’s no reason to think the questions we ask in 2010 will be any different.

If you want to put a face on the jobless recovery/zipless fuck contradiction, look no further than Jonah Falcon, the man widely believed to have the largest penis on the planet. Everybody wants to see what he’s got except Human Resources. Yes, the biggest dick on earth can’t get a job. Sex in 2010 will be like that — full of contradictions.

Got a burning or why-is-it-burning question for The Sexorcist? Email him at

Midtown resident Mike Alvear hosts HBO’s The Sex Inspectors, blogs at and teaches monthly blogging workshops with Hollis Gillespie.

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