Pin It

She's OK with being the whore in church 

But why won't everyone get off her case?

Recently, a friend with benefits called me up looking for a booty call. My reply: "I'd love to, but I gave up sex for Lent. I'll definitely call you after Easter though!" His reply: Dead silence followed by overwhelming laughter. "You're kidding, right? YOU go to church?"

While I'm no choir angel, I've been a church-going gal since high school. I'm not 100 percent sold on the organized religion thing, I've had my ups and downs with it and there's a lot of stuff I disagree with (obviously). Right now, however, I'm in a place where my faith is a big part of my life. But I also really enjoy some top-notch sex. For a while, I didn't really talk to partners about church, God, etc., but lately I've been more open about my faith and, to my total surprise, have been catching a lot of flack from nonbelieving friends (with or without benefits). They seem to think I can get my freak on or get my Jesus on, but that I can't do both. So how do I tell them to get off my case, and tell them I'm cool with being the whore in church?

— Freak in the Sheets for Jesus

Dear Freak,

I can describe all religion with one sentence: "If it feels good, STOP." So, when you go around telling people that you like to raise your eyes to Jesus during the day and your heels to him at night, you're inviting scorn and judgment.

Religion in general, but Christianity in particular, sees itself as battling the sins of the flesh. It believes that the body is Satan's workshop, and that he codes his most sinful work on that pelt beneath your belt.

Since many religions decree that procreation is the only "acceptable" form of sex, anybody who does it for the sheer enjoyment of it is committing a sin. And by anybody, of course, I mean women.

As you know, single men who enjoy sex are to be admired. Single women who enjoy it are to be stoned. And that brings us to crotch of the matter. Your friends judge and laugh because they've bought into the idea that you can't be a good woman if you give good head.

While I admire your pluckiness, I'm puzzled by your No Apologies World Tour. I'm always suspicious of people who insist on telling me their religious beliefs when I haven't asked about them.

Whether it's a sex negative fundamentalist like Rick Warren (whatever happened to him, by the way?) or a sex positive spiritualist like you, I just don't believe people should bring up religion unless they're talking to like-minded people, or they were specifically asked.

Riddle me this, Oh, She Who Can Run A Prayer Circle During the Day and a Circle Jerk at Night: Why do you keep bringing up religion to people who have no interest in it? What's your motivation in engaging people who think the New Testament is the paperback version of the Old Testament? Do you like shocking people? Are you secretly ashamed of your sexual activity and trying to cleanse yourself by broadcasting your church-going ways?

When people ridicule me for sharing something personal (for example, I download so much porn Comcast thinks I'm a priest), I stop telling them. Why continue getting ridiculed when you could just keep your trap shut? In addition to shutting up, it's time to lighten up. Telling a friend with benefits that you can't get together because you gave up sex for Lent is an award-winning LMAO. How could you be angry at somebody who laughs at such a funny line?

I think Jesus would be proud that you like to take communion late on a Saturday night and early on Sunday morning. But I'd think He'd want you to have a little fun with it. Like the time, he corrected me in one of my prayers. "Dude," he said. "When I broke the bread at the Last Supper I said, 'Take this and eat it, for it is my body.' I did not say, 'Eat me.'"

Got a burning or a why-is-it-burning question for the Sexorcist? E-mail him at sexorcist@creativeloafing.com. Mike Alvear is the author of a line of How To Meet Guys On Facebook and teaches monthly blogging workshops with Hollis Gillespie.

  • Pin It

Comments (7)

Showing 1-7 of 7

Add a comment

 
Subscribe to this thread:
Showing 1-7 of 7

Add a comment

Latest in The Sexorcist

10/16/2014

Search Events

Recent Comments

© 2014 Creative Loafing Atlanta
Powered by Foundation