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Should he leave his wife for his ex-lover? 

Don't confuse a rekindled flame for true love

My ex-lover moved away, far away. Years passed. I married someone else with whom I was not in love. My lover didn't know that and called me. We've spent some time together and rekindled what we had. Now it's decision time. Which of the following is better: leaving my wife for the person I truly love or staying with the person I married?

— Dunno

Dear Dunno,

Indulge me in a story. One day in the future, Glenn Beck has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. Believe it or not, I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take his place. I'll even let you decide who leaves." Beck thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Bill O'Reilly and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing over and over again. Such was his fate in hell. "No," Beck said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Sean Hannity with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I'd be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," said Beck.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Beck saw John Edwards, lying on a big comfortable bed with his arms tied behind his head, and his legs in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was his mistress, Rielle Hunter, giving him a Category 5 blowjob. Beck looked in disbelief and said, "I'm in!" The devil smiled and said, "OK, Rielle, you're free to go."

The point of this story, other than sneaking in a good joke, is that you want my permission to say, "OK, Wife, you're free to go." And you know what? I'm not in a permission-granting mood after Snowtrina 2011.

The brevity of your e-mail, as well as its lack of details and time lines tell me that your ex-lover has only been on the scene recently. Meaning, you're overcome with emotional and sexual excitement. While it's exhilarating to go over the Niagara Falls of emotions, you might want to look down and check that you've gone over the edge on a jet-pack and not a wooden barrel. Because when you land — and eventually you will — you don't want to be picking splinters out of your ass for the rest of your life.

If you truly don't know whether you should leave your wife, put this paper down right now, march yourself over and tell her what's going on. Tell her everything, including the fact that you don't know what the hell to do going forward.

This will do a couple of things: 1) Buy you time to make a more sober decision than you would right now, drunk as you are on all the excitement and 2) Give your wife some say in the matter.

Divorce should be a long, drawn-out, carefully weighed decision arrived at by the two people involved, not by the impulses of one spouse having an affair. Her reaction may surprise you and help shape an unanticipated decision.

Personally, I hope she says, "I never loved you, either" and tops it off by saying, "You're free to go."

Mike is the author of a line of gay dating ebooks and teaches monthly blogging workshops with Hollis Gillespie. Got a burning or a why-is-it-burning question for the Sexorcist? E-mail him at sexorcist@creativeloafing.com.

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