Should he out her boyfriend?

Dear Sexorcist:

During my second year of college, I was at a party with a woman friend I’ve known since junior high and a bunch of her college friends. Before going to the party, my friend mentioned that there was a guy there who she and most people in their group thought was gay. He’s a pretty hot guy, so I took a few shots and began talking to him. After a few minutes of conversation, I was sure he was gay, so I asked him if he wanted to go to a gay bar. That’s when I found out that he wasn’t gay.

Well, I was embarrassed but I lived. Time went on and rumors began circulating on campus about this guy. One of my goes-home-with-guys-from-Blake’s-every-weekend friends soon told me that he and the closet case had hooked up. The Blake’s character has a big mouth, so I did some snooping and eventually found the closeted guy’s profile on a gay cruising website. Long story short, I made a fake online profile and chatted with him (AND lost my moral compass). He told me that he was not out, had hooked up with guys, and planned to come out this year. After that, I deleted my fake profile.

Flash-forward, my friend from junior high and I began talking about this closeted guy. She cares deeply about him and we discussed everything I had uncovered. Well, I came back to school this year and just found out that my woman friend is now dating the closeted guy! We both know he told me that he planned to come out of the closet and that (online at least) he identified as gay. She is a close friend and I don’t want her to get her feelings hurt. Also, she has yet to tell me in person that they are dating.

Have any advice?

— Genital Panic

Dear Genital,

Story time: An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair. He spoke softly to her, “Honey, can you hear me?” There was no response.

He moved a little closer and said again, “Honey, can you hear me?” Still, there was no response. Finally he moved right behind her and said, “Honey, can you hear me?” She replied, “For the third time, yes!”

My point, old man, is that your girlfriend isn’t hard of hearing; you are. You already told her he was a ‘mo. You want to tell her again because you think she didn’t hear you the first time? My bet is that she’s convinced herself, with not a little help from him, that A) you were lying; it was a phase; or C) he’s bisexual.

Either way, she gives herself the maneuvering room she needs to date him.

The reason she hasn’t said anything to you is because she doesn’t want to be reminded that her new boyfriend is so gay, his closet has a closet. She doesn’t want to be judged or forced to look at the decision she’s made.

Confronting her is useless and, to tell you the truth, a little cruel. You don’t have to buy into her fantasy, but you don’t have to spit on it, either. It will end soon enough and when it does, she doesn’t need you telling her, “I told you so.” I would definitely bring it up, though. (How could you not? The curiosity would kill me!) But here’s how I’d put it: “Gurrrrl, I hear you’re dating Mr. Man. How’s that working?” In other words, be a friend, not an accuser.

Got a burning or a why-is-it-burning question for the Sexorcist? E-mail him at sexorcist@creativeloafing.com. Mike Alvear is the author of The Flirty Text Message Helper: Witty Texts For Clever People and teaches monthly blogging workshops with Hollis Gillespie.

Editor’s note: This column has been altered to remove a paragraph implying that David Gest, Liza Minnelli’s ex-husband, is gay after we received a strongly worded cease-and-desist letter from Gest’s attorneys.