The Blotter: Smear campaign

A man known for “taking his feces out of his colostomy bag and smearing/throwing it on police officers” got in trouble once again outside his mother’s home on Ira Street.

The mother said her 44-year-old son wandered into her house while she was getting ready for church and she told him to leave. The son said he was hungry, so she told him wait outside and she’d get him some food. Apparently, patience isn’t his thing. The mom said her son pushed her into the kitchen and threatened her. The son “wasn’t wearing his colostomy bag and his feces were spilling out all over the living room and kitchen floor,” an officer wrote. “He went to the fridge, stuck his hands in the ice cream and began eating it.” After snacking, the shit-spilling man got into a fight with his younger brother — a 41-year-old man who still lives at home with mom.

The younger brother clams he wrestled a yellow-and-black hammer away from his brother. No one was hurt during the family brouhaha. An officer spoke with the shit-spilling man, who “seemed clueless about the situation and sat on the stairs eating ice cream.” Poopie-man went to jail on a battery charge.

Sweeping Statement: In Hammond Park, someone kicked in the door of a brand-new vacant home, “lit the end of a broom on fire and placed it on the carpet,” an officer wrote. The broom-burning left a big scorched hole in the carpet — about 12 square feet. (Apparently, the home is under construction and almost finished.) Nothing else was damaged and nothing was stolen. The homeowner has no idea why someone might burn his carpet. The broom-burner left behind a license plate.

FRIEND OR FOE? A woman said she gave her friend “Pink” a ride and they stopped at a store near Turner Field. The woman grabbed some money from her tiger-striped purse, left the purse in the car with Pink, and ran into the store. When she returned, Pink was gone — along with purse, which contained two debit cards and her Social Security card. The woman said she’s known Pink for two years, and they hang out at a nearby speakeasy. Of course, the woman has no idea what Pink’s real name might be. The woman, 44, filed a police report against her club-buddy.

FREEDOM — NO THANKS: On a recent Friday around 8 a.m., a woman walked into the lobby of the Atlanta City Jail and screamed that she wanted to be arrested. Stunned, jail staffers asked the woman to leave, but she refused to budge and kept demanding to be locked up. Eventually, a cop walked over. “Just arrest me, Shawty,” the woman yelled. A jail staffer had a theory: He believed the woman was trying to get inside the jail to cause a disruption with an inmate she may know. The woman got her wish — she was arrested and charged with trespassing. To foil any rowdy plan, cops took her to a cell at Fulton County Jail instead. The woman, 29, hails from Reynoldstown.

BOOZY-WOOZY: In East Point, a 22-year-old man walked into a liquor store and was apparently confused about the protocol of buying hard liquor. The man allegedly opened a sealed bottle of Ivanabitch vodka, tilted the bottle to his lips, drank a big swig, and returned the vodka bottle to the shelf. Then, the man grabbed another sealed bottle of Ivanabitch vodka and tried to buy it from a cashier. He went to jail for drinking a swig of vodka inside a liquor store.

TIME FOR GLASSES? In Midtown around 4 a.m., a cop saw a woman wearing “black panties that had been pulled up into the crotch area, exposing the entire buttocks and genitalia.” The cop noted, “I had previously observed the suspect parading on Peachtree Street, circling the block and exposing her buttocks and genitalia body part in a sexual manner, while stopping three men in an attempt to solicit.”

Apparently, the cop’s eyes weren’t focused on the specifics of genitalia. When the cop got closer and asked the woman for ID, he got a surprise. Turns out, the sassy suspect is a dude. “I told [him] that it was against city ordinance to walk the streets and publicly display his genitalia,” the cop noted. The dude-dressed-like-lady hails from Horn Lake, Mo.

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.