What if you opened a fish tank before you hooked any critters?
That problems been driving Georgia Aquarium bigwigs bonkers ever since they discovered that none of the mega-tanks 100,000 fish are actual fish.
Aquarium execs first figured something was wrong when goldfish arrived for their koi pond.
We thought Pepperidge Farm was a New England fish-raising facility, said spokesman Henry Lamprey. But when UPS took the goldfish we purchased to the break room, we found out that Pepperidge Farm Goldfish are in reality a brand of crunchy, cheesy cracker.
A probe leaked exclusively to CL revealed similar errors all over the new tourist attraction. Red flags went up when we noticed that our red Snappers came from lawn mower wholesalers. And our Northern Pike turned out to be a long spear favored by medieval infantry we shouldve noticed that they came from a historic weapons store.
Aquarium sugar daddy Bernie Marcus declined to be interviewed about the fish foul-ups, but sources say the Home Depot founder is putting on his old orange apron and hammering out a solution.
Hes been worried about the panhandlers hassling tourists in front of the aquarium, says one mega-tank insider. Now well get those homeless people to go around to the back entrance for free Goldfish crackers.
Lamprey defended some of the mistakes. Who would have guessed that Florida Marlins were baseball players, or the Miami Dolphins was a football team? he asked as authorities pulled the body of former quarterback Dan Marino from a 10,000-gallon saltwater tank.
Top tank talkers wouldnt fess up to reports that some of the fake fish snuck into the aquarium on purpose. One of the maintenance guys pointed out that our Great White habitat contained not sharks but aging rock musicians, a source told us. It turns out they were members of the heavy metal band Great White, who needed a gig and hoped that nobody would notice.
The soggy scandal has the aquarium swimming upstream for its planned November opening. But Lamprey put a positive spin on some of the fish-free attractions.
When visitors check out our stingray exhibit, they may not expect to find a Chevy Corvette, but I dont think theyll be disappointed its a classic American sports car. And which minnow would you rather see a tiny fish or the fateful tour boat from Gilligans Island?
But I think our revised World of the Mullet will catch on. Youd be amazed at the diversity of the rural American haircut. Were even printing up T-shirts that say Business Up Front, Party Out Back.
Lamprey acknowledged that the aquarium may have to change some of its exhibits to meet the Nov. 23 opening. Were having trouble repurposing our silverfish, which arent shiny, graceful marine animals but unsightly wingless insects although theyre thriving in the aquarium root cellar.