Hear ye! Hear ye! Order in the court. We are here today to begin proceedings against all the scumbags who aren't with us -- in particular, critics, dissenters, liberals, intellectuals and a whole bunch of other people whose names we're not going to tell you because Attorney General John Ashcroft has decreed we don't have to. And, we'll be using evidence we won't reveal because we know better than the Constitution. Representing the government will be President George W. Bush, who ...
Defense counsel: Objection! If it pleases your honor.
Judge: What's your objection?
Defense: President Bush isn't a lawyer.
Judge: So? Lawyer, smlawyer. There's a good chance Dubya isn't legitimately the president. But when you've got the biggest stick in the world, you can do what you damn well please.
Defense: But if this is a court of justice, what about those 58,000 mostly black and Democratic voters illegally stripped from Florida's voter rolls by Jeb so his bro could win? Isn't that a conspiracy? How can this man be a prosecutor, much less president?
President: Would you like a forever-vacation in a cage at Guantanamo?
Defense: Oops. No objection.
Surprise witness: May I address the court?
Judge: Who in hell are you?
Witness: Funny you should use that terminology. Whatever. I'm here today to testify as the first witness because I know more about this issue than anyone else.
Witness: Be patient. I know what's puzzling you is the nature of my game.
Judge: Sir, I asked who you were.
Witness: It's a State Secret. As you know, almost everything today, from what Dubya connived with Enron to what he knew and when about 9-11, is a secret. But I'm pleased to meet you, and I hope you'll guess my name.
Judge: Well, tell the court about yourself.
Witness: It should be obvious that I'm a man of wealth and taste.
President: Hey, podner, that mean y'all are a Republican?
Witness: Among other things.
President: If you've got lots of cash, you should visit my ranch.
Witness: Been there. Don't you recall? Last August, I accompanied the CIA team that briefed you on a likely terrorist attack.
President: Well, shucks, sure I remember you now. Told me to just relax because my poll ratings were about to go through the ceiling, and to call Dad and ask how things were going at the Carlyle Group. Darn good advice. Did you enjoy yourself?
Witness: I always do. Why, I watched with glee while your kings and queens fought for 10 decades for the gods they made.
President: Say what?
Witness: Never mind. Just a random recollection.
Defense: I object. What does this man know about warfare and terrorism?
Witness: May I answer, your honor?
Judge: Oh, please do. But, first, does anyone else feel warm? I wonder if the air-conditioning is broken.
Witness: Actually, I find it quite pleasant, maybe a tad chilly.
Judge: Go on, then, and tell us about what you know of fighting.
Witness: To begin with, I rode a tank and held a general's rank.
Judge: That's impressive. When was that?
Witness: When Desert Sto ... I mean, when the blitzkrieg raged.
Judge: Ah, the Good War. What do you remember best about that conflict?
Witness: Hmm. Well, the bodies stank.
Judge: Horrible, wasn't it?
Witness: Rather aromatic, I'd say.
Judge: Strange. Let's move on. You don't look old enough to have been a general 60 years ago.
Witness: Trust me, I've been around for a long, long year.
Defense: Objection. This witness hasn't been sworn in.
Judge: OK, Mr. Witness, please put your hand on the Bible and ...
Witness: I don't think that would be a good idea.
President: Hey, you some atheist or something?
Witness: Oh, I assure you, I have a personal relationship with God.
Judge: How so?
Witness: I was around when Jesus had his moment of doubt and pain.
President: You pullin' our leg?
Witness: Not at all. I'm all in favor of religion. Just look at all of the delightful holocausts and genocides and sectarian warfare -- all in the name of God. However, I get very upset when people actually start obeying the words of Jesus and Mohammed and Moses and Gotama. Then, I'm in need of some restraint.
Judge: Let's get a little more current. What do you know about conspiracies?
Witness: Let's see, I was standing on the grassy knoll in Dallas Nov. 22, 1963, and in the Los Angeles Ambassador Hotel hallway June 5, 1968. In fact, I shouted out, "Who killed the Kennedys?" But that was a ruse to deflect attention from the real culprits.
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