Best of the Blotter 

A roundup of most bizarre crimes from the past year

People love to tell me their favorite Blotter stories. It amuses me how much pride people display when their friends make it into the column. "Remember the one-eyed man dressed up as a Squirrel Superhero, who stole his neighbor's acorns? That was my friend!" Or "Remember the drunk and stoned lady who insisted alien 'buzzing' noises were emitting from her bed? She called police, warning of imminent intergalactic invasion. Cops found her pink vibrator — turned on and buzzing — stuffed under her mattress. That was my best friend!"

And it's always a "friend." Sometimes I bet they really mean, "That was me in the Blotter!" But they don't want to admit it. And that's OK. I'll keep those naughty secrets safe. Their blissfully euphoric, goofy grins and proud swagger are all the clues I need.

Here are my favorite Blotter moments from the past year. Enjoy!

— The Blotter Diva




IDENTITY DELUSIONS OF THE YEAR

Holy infant, so tender and coiled

Cops received a call about a "woman refusing to leave" an Old Fourth Ward motel. "I met with the woman. She said that she had a bomb," the cop noted. "She did not have a bomb — it was clothing under her shirt in the shape of a baby."

"I pulled the clothes out of the bottom of her shirt, after placing her in cuffs," the cop noted. "She then accused me of aborting her baby. She said that she was an Anaconda."

For the grand finale, the woman screamed a bizarre threat directed at the cop: "I am going to wrap around you and bite your dick off!"

The cop took the woman to Grady Memorial Hospital for a mental evaluation. "She was not cooperative ... she continued to threaten harm and ... to spit on any staff member close to her."

Flexible space oddity

Outside a West End shopping mall, a cop saw a black car stopped with a twitchy male driver inside "[The driver] had a very hostile demeanor toward me," the cop noted. "I asked [him] why he was so agitated. [He] advised that he felt that he was being harassed and that he didn't do anything wrong."

The driver, a 34-year-old man from Douglasville, admitted to consuming alcoholic beverages before getting into his car. The man said he was bipolar and has a thyroid condition. "[His] movements were very erratic," the cop noted.

The driver failed several field sobriety tests and blew more than three times the legal limit for blood-alcohol content. "It took me and multiple other officers to hold [the driver] on the hood of my patrol vehicle in order to finish searching him," the cop noted. "While in the rear of my patrol vehicle, [the driver] became increasingly irate. [He] screamed that we were extorting and kidnapping people. At one point, [the driver] screamed, 'I'm an alien!' and also screamed, 'Can you suck your own dick?'"




click to enlarge ILLUSTRATION BY TRAY BUTLER
  • illustration by Tray Butler

LOONY LADIES OF THE YEAR

Chicken McNutty

In Buckhead Village, a 23-year-old man was driving along East Paces Ferry Road when a woman jumped into the street and started hurling bottles at his new silver Jeep. One bottle struck the Jeep's door. After he drove by, the woman started flinging bottles at another car, so the man called police.

A cop found the bottle-launcher — a 30-year-old woman from Auburn, Georgia — and sat her down for a chat.

"[The woman] said she was getting off of work from the chicken processing plant near the location and wanted to get her car from the valet, which was driving in circles around her," the cop noted. "[She] said she threw bottles at the cars due to the fact that she thought one of them belonged to her, and her car had been stolen from her."

The cop found the woman's story quite bizarre — there's no chicken processing plant in Buckhead Village. "She did not appear to be in her right state of mind," the cop noted. "[She] said she had been working at the chicken processing plant, which is now actually a multi-living apartment building."

The woman went to jail for disorderly conduct.

Planting ahead

A cop saw a woman "seated in a flower bed" outside an apartment complex in Midtown. The 58-year-old woman was clutching a purple purse and wearing a hospital armband. The officer said he "asked her kindly to get out of the flower bed," and she refused. After asking her a second and third time, the woman stood up and began ranting, "You just want to slam me to the ground and take me to jail!" The cop replied, "No, I Just need you to get out of the flower bed, that's all."

The woman decided to get out of the flower bed and then ran into oncoming traffic on Peachtree Street yelling, "Fuck you!" The woman ignored the officer's commands to get back on the sidewalk and ran further into traffic. Eventually, the officer got her back on the sidewalk and arrested her for violating her pedestrian duties.

Eyes wide shut

A cop patrolling a Sweet Auburn park saw two men smoking at public picnic tables inside a pavilion. The cop approached the smoking men and overheard other people inside the pavilion warning a woman to throw away her liquor bottle before the cop arrived. "She waved them off and refused to listen as I approached," the cop noted. "Once at the pavilion, I observed the female ... had an open 50ml bottle of Jack Daniels Old No. 7 Black Label."

The cop gave tickets to the two smoking men and the woman for violating park ordinances. "[The woman] loudly stated that she was legally blind and could not read the ticket, although she was playing a game on her cell phone when I approached her," the cop recalled. "She requested to write that she was legally blind on the ticket and did so on the bottom of the ticket. She then signed the ticket without hesitation." The woman, 49, hails from Grant Park.

Naked and afraid

In Ansley Park, cops responded to a dispute between a 36-year-old woman subletting a home to a couple with a 1-year-old son. The distraught parents said they came home one day and the 36-year-old landlord was alledgedly "running around the home naked." The parents claim the naked landlord snatched their 1-year-old son out of bed. By the time police arrived, the naked landlord had disappeared.

Days later, the agitated landlord returned to the home while everyone was asleep and started screaming and yelling until everyone woke up. The father, fearing for his son's safety, called 911. As she tried to flee, the landlord hopped into her car, put it in reverse, and nearly hit the father as she backed out to the street. The landlord is described as an unstable drug user. Police told the parents to change the locks to their home.




click to enlarge ILLUSTRATION BY TRAY BUTLER
  • illustration by Tray Butler

DAFT DUDES OF THE YEAR

Furry frenzy

A cop received a call about a possible dispute with a weapon at a fast-food restaurant on Metropolitan Parkway. "Upon my arrival, [the fast-food restaurant] employees [pointed] to a 27-year-old in the store wearing a red Papa John's uniform and a fuzzy hat in the shape of an animal," a cop noted.

Earlier, the same cop had responded to two calls from the same restaurant, including one from the man in the fuzzy hat himself.

The man began to yell at the cop and shouted, "They are conspiring against me! It's a set up!"

The cop handcuffed the man for safety purposes, noting, "He stated that the items on the table were his evidence that his ex-girlfriend ... and her manager were trying to set him up. The items included two Xbox 360 games, his house phone, his son's walkie-talkie, two sets of keys, a jacket, chapstick, his cellphone, and his wallet.

The cop asked the man how the items counted as evidence. The man replied, "It's all there!"

Suddenly, the man in the fuzzy hat blurted, "Officer, I don't feel so good. I need Grady." He claimed to be fainting, and began to lie down on the floor. Then he got up and leaned his head on a table.

"While waiting on medics, the man stood up again and began yelling at his ex-girlfriend in the middle of the lobby," the cop wrote. "He shouted at her, 'Are you going to suck me or fuck me?' in front of others in the restaurant." The cop ordered the man to sit down.

The man's ex-girlfriend agreed to talk to police, but she refused to give her last name. She said the man in the fuzzy hat has come into the fast-food restaurant for the past three days harassing her and the customers because they recently broke up.

Medics examined the man, who refused to go to the hospital. "I got you," he shouted. "Something is coming, I got you. You took my job away from my kids."

At this point, the cop arrested the man for disorderly conduct and took him to jail. The man asked that all his belongings and "evidence" be left with his ex-girlfriend because she would give his evidence to his grandmother.

Chasin' Jason

In East Point, a 24-year-old man had a strange encounter with a guy in a white hockey mask. While walking home from a MARTA station, the man heard a woman talking to herself. The man glanced over his shoulder, spotted the woman, and wondered why she was talking to herself.

The man looked back again and saw two oddly dressed guys following him. One guy wore a white hockey mask on his face, a black T-shirt with "Trill Gang" written in gold, and green pants with a floral print. The second guy wore a lime-green shirt with stripes.

"Why aren't you guys laughing?" the strange lady asked. The 24-year-old said he and the two guys "began a casual conversation" about the strange woman. "What's wrong with her?" he asked. "We don't know," the hockey-mask guy replied.

Then, the hockey-mask guy whipped out a gun and pointed it at the 24-year-old while his accomplice stole his cell phone and wallet.

Minutes later, the 24-year-old flagged down police. Cops quickly tracked the suspects to a nearby apartment complex. The Jason Voorhees wannabe came out with his hands in the air. He'd ditched his white hockey mask. Cops searched him and found the 24-year-old's cell phone along with a stolen gold chain necklace with a gold cross and a gold watch. Alas, the white hockey mask is still at large.

Terminal meltdown

At Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport, a 40-year-old man triggered a brouhaha at the Spirit Airlines counter. "He was yelling to the point that everyone in the terminal was focused on him," the cop said. "The man ranted about his Social Security check, outraged because there's only $66 in his bank account."

Loud Guy declared that he's no bum. Sitting on the floor, he spread his legs and waved his hands in the air as he yelled.

"Lower your voice right now," the cop ordered. Loud Guy's howls hit earsplitting levels. "He could not be reasoned with, he would not listen, and he ranted Bible verses while making accusations that he would be murdered. He screamed that he was HIV positive, that he had hepatitis B and C," the cop noted.

Then Loud Guy blended religion and drugs for his final words to the growing crowd. "He recited Bible verses, asking us to kill him," a cop wrote. "He stated he was smart with his IQ at 140. He also advised he used crystal meth 105 times in the past four years — along with once yesterday. He even asked if he was murdered." Loud Guy's meth voyage quickly ended with a lengthy mental exam.




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