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Bizarre crimes from Atlanta police reports

Ho! Ho! Ho! Holiday special: An undercover officer said a woman hopped into his car on Joseph P. Lowery Boulevard. She reportedly said, "Well, I give good head and fine pussy. It's $25 for head and $30 for pussy. But if you want both, it's $40, though, OK?" The woman was dressed entirely in green -- a green shirt, green shoes and a green coat. She was charged with soliciting sex and went to jail.

Finding Jesus at a gas station: Around 4:30 a.m., an officer was told that a man was locked inside a gas station on McPherson Avenue. According to the gas station manager, this man took a package of Hostess cupcakes, started eating them -- and then tried to leave the store. The manager said he asked the man to pay for the cupcakes, but he refused. The officer wrote: "With spontaneous utterance, [the man] said, 'I'm Jesus, I own this store.'" The officer asked: "Do you have money to pay for the cupcakes?" "No," the man replied. The man, age 40, went to jail on a shoplifting charge.

Holiday mishap at McDonald's: A 43-year-old man said he went into the restroom at a McDonald's on Peachtree Street. He said he sat on the toilet seat, which was down. "[The man] said he wiped himself after using the toilet, and the seat slipped off the bowl, and he and the seat fell to the floor," an officer wrote. The man said after the fall, his backside and hip hurt. Medics took him to a hospital. A McDonald's employee said an unknown person had removed the screw bolts that fastened the seat to the toilet bowl. So, the employee said, the toilet seat was in use but unfastened. (The Blotter Diva must ask: What kind of oddball would unscrew a McDonald's toilet seat? The Hamburglar? Ronald McDonald on a slow day?)

'Tis the season to enjoy irony: Around 2 a.m., an officer saw a man kneeling and urinating next to a car in a parking lot on Ponce de Leon Avenue. "[The man] said he worked in public health and didn't want to cause any trouble." The man, age 26, was ticketed for indecent exposure.

All I want for Christmas is a new boyfriend: A 27-year-old man said his "significant other" called and asked for a ride to a McDonald's. The 27-year-old said he hopped into his black Jaguar and picked up his "significant other" (a 36-year-old man) at the corner of Roxboro and Kingsboro roads. They were on Lenox Road when the boyfriend allegedly ordered him to drive to the airport or he would slice his throat and kill him. The 27-year-old said he saw a knife in his hand -- so when he stopped at a traffic light, he jumped out of the black Jaguar. Meanwhile, he said, his boyfriend sped away in the black Jaguar, blew through a red traffic light, and crashed into a gold Lexus. Police found the boyfriend running on Cheshire Bridge Road. He had a black Pakistan knife on him, according to police. The boyfriend went to jail.

Hats off to a dude with expensive taste: A woman said she heard a scream, looked up, and saw three men running out of a home on McKenna Place. She said they dropped a Christmas present they stole and then left in a car. She called the homeowner, and he returned quickly. He told police that his fully loaded gun was missing, along with four Christmas presents: a popcorn maker ($75), drinking glasses ($40), a purse ($400) and some black boots ($400).

Little drummer boys: At a Buckhead restaurant and bar, two drummers got into a squabble. The younger drummer (age 26) said they argued about who was going to play the drums. He said the older drummer asked him to step outside, and then punched him in the face. The younger drummer's lip was noticeably swollen, an officer noted.

Later, the older drummer (a 40-year-old man) gave his side of the story: He said he was playing drums at the restaurant/bar, and the younger man poked him during his set, in an effort to get a turn at the drums. He denied hitting the younger drummer. He said they argued outside, and he left the bar to avoid further confrontation.

The officer talked to the piano player. He said he witnessed the younger drummer harassing the older drummer during his set. The older drummer was charged with simple assault/battery.

Do they know it's Christmastime at all? Around 10:30 a.m., an employee saw that a door was forced open at a steel-supply company on Kirkwood Avenue. The employee said he didn't see anyone, but he could smell body odor in the room. He said he found a man behind some stacked boxes. Police arrived. The man said he is from out of town and needed a place to get out of the cold and sleep. He said he entered the building earlier that morning and fell asleep -- and he was still sleeping when the business opened. He was arrested for damaging the door and using the business as a shelter. The man, age 21, went to jail.

Also, an officer was patrolling Brownwood Park around 1:30 a.m., when he saw a woman sleeping on the steps of a building inside the park. The officer asked: "Why are you sleeping in the park?" She said she had nowhere else to go. The woman, age 41, went to jail.

'Tis the season to imitate the prez: Police noted that a man was loitering in the atrium at Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport. The officers asked the man: "What business do you have at the airport?" The man allegedly replied, "I am the president, and you need to know that." A computer check revealed the man had been warned about hanging out the airport, just two days before. The man who says he is president went to jail. (The man, age 25, hails from Riverdale.)

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.

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