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The Blotter 

Bizarre crimes from Atlanta police reports

What would Jesus do? At a Bible college on Berne Street, a student allegedly sent threatening letters to a professor. "The letters had Biblical scriptures that made reference to violence and force," an officer wrote. "The letter also stated in bold red letters, 'You betta tell these people who I am. I will start hitting on sight,' and also 'Do not ever disrespect me again (what I will die for I will Kill for).'" The accused student is a 37-year-old man. The college's vice president said he called the student, who screamed and claimed the school condoned homosexuality. A female student said the accused student had asked her to give the letters to the professor. "When she asked him what was going on, [the student] said that the university was trying to portray Jesus as a homosexual," the officer wrote. The female student said she's known the male student since elementary school, and he seems to need a counselor or therapist. While police were at the Bible college, the male student showed up and went to the chapel -- where prayer services were being held. He sat in the front pew, an officer noted. He was handcuffed and taken to a police precinct. An officer asked, "Why did you send letters to the professor?" "[The student] was very incoherent and seemed somewhat unstable," the officer wrote. "[He] said that during class last week [a professor] said, while lecturing with a Bible in his hand, 'I am what you say I am.' [He] stated that he felt the professor was implying that Jesus was a homosexual." The student got a ticket for disorderly conduct -- and he was banned from returning to the Bible college.

Family ties: A woman said her uncle set fire to both her Honda Accords. The 41-year-old woman said she and her uncle had been arguing all day, because he wanted the keys to his mother's apartment. (Apparently, the uncle's mother is in a coma in a hospital.) The woman said the uncle's mother (who is her grandmother) had asked her to keep an eye on her apartment until she got better. She said the uncle demanded the keys because he wanted to get his mother's guns from her apartment. She said she refused to give up the keys. Around 2:30 a.m., the woman noticed that her blue Honda Accord was on fire in the driveway of her home on Mount Zion Road. Then, she said, she saw her uncle run away from her orange Honda Accord, which was on fire in the front yard.

Can't argue with crazy: On Northside Drive, a woman flagged down police and said she was arguing with a man known as "Crazy Mike." She said Crazy Mike pointed a handgun at her and threatened to shoot her. Police tried to question "Crazy Mike," but apparently, he barricaded himself in an apartment on Kennedy Street. Eventually, an officer got inside the apartment -- but Crazy Mike was gone. Crazy Mike "is believed to have jumped from a second-story window to evade police," an officer wrote.

When beer attacks: A 29-year-old man said he bought a keg of beer from a liquor store on Ponce de Leon Avenue. He said a store employee improperly placed the beer keg in his red Jeep Wrangler -- and the beer keg slid and broke his rear windshield. He said he immediately told the store manager, who offered to cover the repair costs. Also, the man filed a police report. (The Blotter Diva says: Perhaps this guy should have noticed the keg was improperly positioned in his own car -- then he could have readjusted the devilish keg before the slip-sliding shenanigans started.) According to the police report, the man's license plate reads "FISHH20."

Clean up your act, part I: On Cahaba Street, a mother said she and her son got into a physical fight. "[The son] was upset he could not wash his clothes and flipped over the washing machine," an officer wrote. The son is 36 years old. According to the police report, the son still lives with his mother. He was arrested for disorderly conduct.

Clean up your act, part II: A plumber reported awful conditions in a basement apartment on Charlotte Place. He said police needed to check out the apartment. An officer got permission to go inside. There were huge holes in the walls, dirty floors and no living room furniture, the officer noted. "As I proceeded to walk toward the bathroom, I smelled a foul odor and witnessed human feces on the bathroom walls and floor," he wrote. I also witnessed clothing and other items inside of the toilet and tub." The woman who lives there said she has eight kids -- and only three bedrooms. Also, she is pregnant. She said she's looking to move. The officer notified the Department of Family and Children Services.

People steal weird SHIT: At a store on North Avenue, a security guard said a man put four sugar minidoughnuts inside his jacket -- then the man took another minidoughnut and tried to pay for it. The man, age 33, was arrested for shoplifting. The doughnuts cost $2.08.

At a grocery store on Ponce de Leon Avenue, a man was arrested for allegedly stealing two oranges and some loose candy. The man is 30 years old. The oranges/candy cost $4.04.

Finally, a man allegedly tried to steal a bottle of cornstarch (worth $1.19) from a grocery store on Piedmont Avenue. (Where are the ambitious thieves? Three guys arrested for shoplifting, and combined, they allegedly swiped less than $10 worth of stuff!)

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.

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