He'd rather yawn than spawn. What's a girl to do?
They used to have sex all the time, but now only when she nags hIm for it. What's wrong?
by Michael Alvear
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My fiancé and I have been together for a while and before we moved in together we had sex several times a month. Then we moved in together. The first month was full of sex, but after that if just dwindled. Now we only have sex once a month and that's after I whine for a week. He says that it's not me and that he just doesn't feel up to it and that the doctor doesn't know what's wrong with him. Could he really not feel up to all the time? What can/should I do?
— Frustrated
Dear Frustrated,
Rodney Dangerfield once lamented that his wife cut him back to once a month. But he was upbeat, noting that, "Some guys I know, she cut out completely."
Isn't it great you have something in common with the guy who got no respect? Welcome to the most common sexual problem between couples — Desire Discrepancy. There's the High Desire partner (usually, but not always the man) and the Low Desire partner (usually, but not always the woman).
You start off hotter than two rabbits in a wool sock and end up with wifey saying, "Stick it in, I got clothes to fold." Or, hubby saying, "I'd love to give you an orgasm but the game's on."
It seems early in the relationship for your boyfriend to turn into a sexual camel. My guess is that he's suffering from one of five things that can take the starch off a man's crotch: a return to his normally low sex hormone levels; stress; depression; a physiological response caused by a condition or medicine; or low testosterone.
During courtship, sex hormones get artificially elevated. The first six months of courtship, sex hormones go through the roof, making all parties equal in their desire to break some bedroom furniture. But as time goes on, those hormones recede, and suddenly, one of you would rather yawn than spawn.
If it's a normal case of desire discrepancy, try the proven techniques on handling low desire partners in my previous column "Has she reached her sexual peak before reaching 30?" If that's not the case, then I'd suspect stress and/or depression. (They often go hand-in-hand. Try seeing one of the Twilight movies and you'll see what I mean.)
Stress is erection unfriendly. Is your boyfriend under the gun about something — work? Family? Ahem, you? It's normal for men to temporarily lose their libido while going through a stressful time. For example, if Glenn Beck tried to get in to DeVry, do you really think he could get it up? A man can only take so much before his penis becomes as useful as a hood ornament.
Same thing with depression. You've mentioned your boyfriend's doctor visits, but you didn't say what the doctor ruled out. Did he give him a stress or depression assessment? Did he check his blood for low testosterone?
Low testosterone (the do-or-die male sex hormone) levels are associated with depressed moods, low energy and motivation, and self-confidence. After age 40, testosterone decreases by 1 percent a year. This hormonal drop can contribute to erectile dysfunction and ruin the mood for sex — and do a number on his attitude. Damn. That sounds a lot like flying economy on Delta.
You can get a good idea of whether your boyfriend should get his testosterone checked out by filling out WebMD's online low testosterone quiz. It assesses symptoms and medical history and gives you a sense of whether your boyfriend is suffering with low testosterone.
If he's a healthy specimen, then you're going to have to wait until he cycles out of this phase and gets back to normal. I'd say this prayer every night before going to bed: "God, grant me eternal patience. But HURRY!"
Mike "The Sexorcist" Alvear hosts HBO's "The Sex Inspectors," blogs at mikealvear.com and teaches monthly blogging workshops with Hollis Gillespie. Got a burning or a why-is-it-burning question for the Sexorcist? E-mail him at sexorcist@creativeloafing.com.
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